Kathy's Birthday

“Did you see EastEnders last night?” asked Jason.

The other three store men shook their heads. “No, the missus likes that rubbish, I can't be bothered with it” said Stan, a Yorkshire man one year from retirement and affectionately known as 'Granddad' by the others. “I waters the garden while it's on. Why, did summat good happen?”

“Not really, just a good dare for young Tommy here, since he keeps bragging there's nothing we'd dare suggest that he wouldn't dare do.”

“S'right. I'll do anything, me” interrupted Tommy, brash and arrogant nineteen year old newbie. “Go on. Dare me to climb up that racking, right to the roof, I dare you! I'll do it! I'll do anything, me!”

“Don't be bloody stupid son” said Stan. “Even if you don't fall they'll sack [fire] you for that.” He pointed. “See that camera? Big Brother is watching, mekkin sure nothing goes out what shouldn't.”

“Told ya” smirked Tommy.

“Yeah, whatever, we don't want to be in trouble for letting you so forget it” said Mike, the fourth man, in his thirties, ten years older than Jason. “What happened in 'Dead-enders' then, Jase?”

“Right, well, my missus ain't so forgiving as Granddad's” said Jason. “I'd be in the dog house if I didn't watch her soaps with her. Anyway, it was Nancy's birthday so Zack brings her this cake and he's being all coy, staying outside the room and leaning round the door, so she calls him to come in and he's just wearing an apron, nothing else. Then Frankie [a girl!] comes in and sees him from behind [real soap plot].”

“Yeah, so what?” asked Mike. “A cheap thrill for your Karen maybe, but what's it got to do with Tommy?”

“It's Kathy's birthday next Thursday when we're on nights, isn't it? She deserves something special for her fiftieth. I got a new apron yesterday to help Karen. I'll bring it in and he can take Kath a cake wearing nothing but apron, boots and socks for four o'clock break. Shift boss'll be shut up in the office by then, no-one'll know.

“Tommy's getting on my tits bragging all the time. Put up or shut up, which is it going to be?”

“You're such a bloody old woman you would have tits for me to get on” riposted Tommy. “I'll do that. I told you, I'll do anything, me.” A look of suspicion settled slowly on his face. “Wait, you're not setting me up are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, it's a proper apron, right? Full size and that? It's not so tiny it don't cover nothing, or you tell me I have to wear it backwards or something? I don't mind showing me arse, but nothing else. Or you suddenly decide you want it back when I'm out on the shop floor? Or you hold me while Kathy or her mates pull it off? Nothing like that, alright?” he added, in case there was a suspicion he hadn't thought of.

“It's a full size apron and you can wear it properly” explained Jason, patiently. It'll cover the front of you from your chest to below the knee. It ties up at the back. I won't take it off you or pull it aside or anything and no-one else here will either. It's too much trouble if you complain. I'll tell you what, just to keep you happy, and also committed, we'll all agree right now that if either of us breaks his word the other three will do whatever it takes to make him quit, alright?”

“Alright. So long as there's no tricks I'll do it. Sounds like a laugh.”

“What do you mean, no tricks? How could there be any tricks? But I don't want you making excuses to chicken out after I've spent time and money getting a cake made and all. I still reckon you're all mouth. So prove me wrong. If I bring you a full size apron and a cake you wear one and deliver the other like we said, no excuses. Oh, and stand in front of Kathy and sing 'Happy Birthday' to her when you give her the cake. She'll enjoy that. Okay? Yes or no?”

“Yes. I said I would didn't I?” said Tommy truculently. “It's agreed. I'm not just all mouth. I'll show you I've got the balls for it!”

“Yeah, you might just do that” murmured Jason under his breath, too quietly for Tommy to hear as they drifted apart to get on with their individual tasks.

….

Thursday night came around and by a few minutes before four o'clock the store men had long since finished all the urgent issuing and were now just occupied with routine 'housekeeping' tasks and getting things ready for the next shift, so it wouldn't matter if they stopped a little earlier than they should for break.

Jason looked out onto the shop floor to check that Kathy was in her usual place and suppressed a smile. It was obvious from her face that she was disgruntled that her birthday was being ignored, but she was trying, unsuccessfully, to hide it in case it wasn't. British night shifts most commonly last from ten pm to six am, as did this one, so although it was technically now Friday 26^th, and Kathy's birthday, and had been since midnight, it was still Thursday night, the 25^th, by the factory's system. Perhaps her friends would surprise her tonight, she hoped, they seemed to be studiously ignoring her now.

Jason walked back into the stores. “Okay,” he called, “show time in five minutes. Let's get ready.” Everyone stopped what they were doing and moved to the area by the computers where they were out of sight and had chairs to sit in. “Get your kit off Tommy, I'll go and get the stuff” said Jason as he walked off to the place where he'd hidden it.

He returned to find Tommy had taken his shirt off ready to don the apron but was modestly waiting to cover himself before removing anything else. Jason handed him a cake-shop box and then couldn't keep from grinning as he produced the apron and handed it over. “You have got to be fucking kidding me!” said Tommy incredulously. “What the fuck is that?”

…..

“You have got to be joking, right?” Mike had said earlier when Jason showed him and Stan what he'd brought. “What the hell is that?”

'That' was a plastic apron of the type hospitals have been making visitors wear since COVID, along with gloves and masks. Cheap, single use, disposable PPE they come as a roll, like bin liners, and are made of very thin, clear plastic.

“It's an apron” replied Jason smugly. “The hospital made me wear it when I went in to visit Karen's mum and take her some books after work last week. We finished at two and Karen was busy so it was easier for me to do it. Anyway, when I saw this I thought of our boy and decided to keep it and teach him a lesson.”

“But it's completely transparent” objected Stan. “You can't make him wear that wi' nowt under it, it's not decent. He'll not do it and I'll not force him to. A joke's one thing but that's going too far.”

“I agree” said Mike. “The deal's off. We don't make him do that.”

“Don't worry” said Jason, who had expected some such reaction. “If he won't do it he won't. I don't want to force him out. I quite like the kid if only he wasn't so damn cocky. This'll probably just give him a scare, take some of the wind out of his sails. But he might just surprise you. I wouldn't put it past him to enjoy showing off if he can blame someone else. Or he might do it in his boxers or something. But I agree, no threats and no force.”

….

“It's an apron” replied Jason smugly. “A hospital visiting apron to be exact.”

“But you said a proper apron....” began Tommy, aggrieved.

“No, I said full size and it is. Anyway, it's an apron. Define 'proper' for me. The hospital think it's a proper apron.”

“Well, you said I'd be covered in front....”

“And so you will be. I said it would cover you from your chest to below the knee and it will do. I never said it would hide anything did I?”

“No, it's not what you said.”

“You mean it's not what you thought. It's exactly what I said, I took care about that. Still, I had a word with the others and they agree you can chicken out if you've got no balls. You wouldn't want to advertise that, we understand. 'I'll do anything, me'” mimicked Jason mockingly. “Until you're asked. I knew you were all talk. Oh, well, can't be helped. Kath'll be disappointed.”

It's a well known fact that you can make the average young male do anything simply by telling him he hasn't got the guts. Tell him he's too chicken to cut his own head off with a chainsaw and he will prove you wrong. I exaggerate but not all that much and Tommy was starting to weaken. “I have got balls” he protested. “I just don't like being conned.”

“Who's conning you?” asked Jason. “Everything I said was true. It's not my fault if you jump to false conclusions. Who'd want to see you in an apron they can't see through? That's no fun for Kath and the girls is it? Wear that one and they'll love you. If you have got balls what's the problem? The old 'button mushroom' syndrome? Don't want the girls to know about wee willie winkie?”

“Get stuffed! I'm fine down there, not that it's any of your business!”

“So what's the problem then?”

“That's obvious” interjected Stan. “The lad can't go out there showing off his wedding tackle in front of lasses. Stop trying to embarrass him. We agreed he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to.”

“Okay” said Jason, seemingly accepting defeat. “I thought he might at least do it in boxers if he's not brave enough to do it properly but obviously not. Oh well, never mind. Kath'll be disappointed to miss her treat but I expect she'll forgive him in the end. He can't help being shy I suppose.”

“Screw you!” replied Tommy, visibly irritated. “I'll tell you what, I will do it in me boxers, will that shut you up? It's still a bit raunchy, but not obscene. And I bet you wouldn't even have the guts to do that, would you?”

“Maybe not, but I'm not the one who keeps bragging he'll do anything, am I? Well, go on then, we'll take what we can get, at least it's something.”

Tommy pulled the apron on. He looked down at his boots, thought for a moment, then sat on a chair, took the boots off, then his jeans, then put the boots back on. “Can't go on the shop floor without these” he remarked. He stood up, looking embarrassed now, as if regretting what his bravado had led him into. “Where's that cake then? Let's get it over with.”

….

Kathy Richards was fed up. It was her fiftieth birthday and here she was working the night shift and apparently everyone had missed her hints about her birthday, or decided to ignore them. No-one had said a word about it anyway. Sue had even taken her usual seat, forcing her to sit with her back to the room at the four o'clock break.

She was sitting at the table in her work area pouring a mug of tea from her flask when the 'girls' sat with her started laughing, cheering and pointing. She looked round and saw young Tommy from the stores approaching her carrying what looked like a cake box. To her amazement and delight he was wearing just boots, socks, boxer shorts and a completely transparent plastic apron. He walked up to Kathy, who turned to look at him. “Get 'em off!” shouted Sue playfully from the other side of the table. Tommy blushed a little, partly gratified by all the attention, partly embarrassed by it.

Tommy was holding the cake box in front of him in both hands. He tilted it forward a little so Kathy could see the birthday cake within. He cleared his throat self-consciously. “Happy birthday to you” he began singing.

“Happy birthday to you” everyone at the table joined in with the second line and Sue produced a card and a box of chocolates and passed them across the table. “Happy birthday dear Kathy. Happy birthday to YOU” sang everyone.

While the greeting was being sung young Mandy, who Kathy had thought had gone for a smoke, had come up behind Tommy rapidly and silently, and knelt just behind him. On the final “YOU” she grabbed the sides of his shorts and yanked down hard and fast. Tommy stood there shocked, hands holding the cake box he couldn't just drop, as the singing dissolved into whistles and laughter and Mandy lifted his feet one at a time to pull the boxers right off. The other women from the section had come to stand around and join in the singing and now he was effectively naked in front of them all.

Mandy moved round to get a better view and tossed the boxers to Kathy. “Here you are, Kath. Birthday souvenir!” She held her hands up, palms pointing to Tommy's face, as if warming them from a radiant heat source. “Hot in here, isn't it?” She waved to a young electrician working up a ladder by the wall a few yards away. “Yes please, Paul” she called out. He reached for a nearby fusebox and pulled the switch.

The air conditioning unit Tommy hadn't noticed he was standing next to roared into life. This was not your average domestic or office unit but an industrial one, designed to maintain a comfortable temperature in a room full of machines dumping waste heat into the air with their exhaust fans. The unit was about four feet tall and two feet wide and it produced a tremendous blast of frigid air. It was also located about two feet to Tommy's right.

The apron tried to blow away in the blast. It didn't get far, being tied at the waist, but the bottom part of it blew off to the side and flew almost horizontally in the wind, like a flag, with Tommy as the flagpole. “Even better view” commented someone amidst the ensuing cheers and laughter.

Nobody was showing any interest in taking the cake off Tommy's hands so he put it down on the table, grabbed the errant apron and held it in front of him, using both hands to cover himself and stepping back out of the cold air.

Mandy noticed the look that was forming on Tommy's face. It boded trouble for her and others so to forestall it she whispered in his ear “You've been a good sport so far and Kathy and the others loved it. Don't spoil it now. Do you want to be the joker or the joke?” She kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you. That was worth seeing!” she said aloud.

Tommy whispered something to Mandy. She laughed and nodded. “Sounds fair to me” she said. He turned and walked away.

Tommy walked back into the stores, straight past his colleagues, still holding his hands in front of him, forcing himself to look cheerful, back to where he'd left his clothes. “Kath and them want to see you” he told Jason in passing.

Jason walked over to where the women were sitting. “What's up?” he asked, expecting some kind of thanks or appreciation.

“We hear you set that little performance up. Is that right?” asked Mandy.

“You know it is” he replied. He wondered why she'd ask that when he'd told her what would happen, where to go when, and what she could do to make it even better.

“Yes, and now everyone else does too. Well, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander, as they say.” Jason realised that he had now been surrounded by women. Mandy grinned at him. “Now we want a souvenir from you!”

Jason lunged at a gap between two of the women, barged through and rushed away. Their jeers and cries of “we'll get you sometime” and the like rang in his ears as he hurried back to the stores.

The End