Sudden Enlightenment

Poem by: Gavin A. Momstretcher

Reads: 377 | Likes: 0 | Shelves: 0 | Comments: 1

foresight’s more precious than gold!

08 Sep 2021 - Sudden Enlightenment

1
If we were lovers,
I’d provide carb-coma treats,
set your alarm clock,
let myself out while you slept,
and call you in the morning.

2
I’ve been the good guy,
waiting for the damned dog bones
that you’d toss spaniels.
So far I’ve seen nothing, babe,
that shouts “I really love you!”

3
I’ve been the sucker,
seen that rings don’t change a thing,
won’t melt an iceberg
sleeping in a wedding bed,
and pulled a gawd-damn dogsled.

Submitted: September 08, 2021

Adult Romance romance poetry tanka bailing

Like
Shelfit

Add Your Comments:

Sign in to write a comment

Comments

DampKitten

Fascinating piece, Gavin. I like the 'dog' metaphor you're assuming in second person narrative. Not sure that the numbers (1,2,3) really add much for me... just mentioning the effect on me as a reader.

This is a rant about a woman who treats her man as she would a pet - one that's not particularly adored...taking him for granted, ungrateful, minimal affection.

For me, when you establish a metaphor as you have in the first stanza (letting myself out while you slept), and carry that thru the following stanza's, imagery as unrelated as an iceberg seems to interrupt the flow. I understand the concept of impotent wedding rings, but I want to see the canine concept rather than icebergs melting in a wedding bed. The last line is good and sort of ties things together. I think it's a great start to something you will want to go back and readjust.

Sun, September 12th, 2021 10:37pm