The New Shield Maiden

The once majestic and awe-inspiring Asgard had become dull and lackluster as the worship of the Gods and Goddesses that call this realm home had waned. Things had gotten so bad that the Valkyries had to be laid off, many finding work as Angels of the new Christian God. Finally, Odin, The All-Father, had called a meeting to discuss options. The meeting had been going on for over a hundred years as the Gods and Goddesses bicker over how to reverse their fortunes. Odin was about to call a break when it happened, the incident. At that moment nobody knew that this was the beginning of major changes in the Heavens.

The short and chubby naked woman sporting shoulder-length brown hair appeared in the center of Valhalla where the meeting was being held. In her right hand was a purple phallic-shaped object that wiggled a little as she looked around. The Norse Patheon looked at her in stunned silence, it had been so long since anyone had come here they were unprepared for her arrival. Letting out an ear-piercing shriek she smacked the person nearest her in the head with the purple object.

Tyr was taken by surprise by this unexpected and unprovoked attack. He tried to cover his head with one hand as he reached for his sword with the other. The stinging blows from the phallic-shaped object caused him to fumble the drawing of his blade which ended up clattering to the floor. Now without a weapon to defend himself, Tyr tried to duck out of the way, but the naked woman’s attack was relentless as she smacked him in the face and head with her unusual weapon. The mighty God gave a cry of pain and curled up into the fetal position as the woman continued her attack.

The beautiful Goddess Freyja recovered first and moved to stop the attack when she saw Tyr was helpless. She grabbed the woman’s wrist trying to end the attack without injuring the woman. The woman still in a panic refused to accept defeat so easily and tried to punch the Goddess, but Freyja was a trained warrior and she easily blocked the punch.

“Calm yourself maiden and explain what you are doing here!”

“I don’t know where here is!”

“If you forego attacking another we can figure this out.”

The woman looked around and saw everybody was looking at her which reminded her that she had not a stitch of clothing on. She quickly pulled free of the beautiful Goddess and tried to cover herself still clutching the purple phallic-shaped object. Her cheeks reddened, and the crimson color spread quickly over her whole body as the lustful Odin smiled.

“I think now is a good time for a break. Freyja find our guest some clothes and I will speak with her,” Odin stated.

With a break finally called the other Gods and Goddesses left, leaving Freyja to deal with the naked woman and the whimpering Tyr.

“Come with me and we will find you clothing.”

The woman nodded and followed the Goddess from the feast hall.

“You honestly have no idea where you are?”

“No.”

“This is Asgard home of the Norse Patheon.”

“Asgard as in like Thor and Loki?”

“The very same.”

“How can I understand you, shouldn’t you be speaking like the Norse language?”

“It is a benefit of this place, all that enter understand us and we them.”

“Cool like the universal translator on Star Trek.”

“What is this Star Trek?”

“A TV show, well actually there is a bunch of them.”

“What is a TV?”

“You don’t have TVs?”

“No.”

“Oh my God, I’m in Hell!”

“Calm yourself you are not in Helheim. It will be decided once you speak with Odin and the break is over if you will remain here or go there.” Freyja stopped in front of a large house. “This is my house, come in and we will see if we can find you anything to wear.”

“This is going to be awkward, you being a Goddess and all, but I have no clue who you are.”

“You don’t know of me, but you know those loud mouth and troublesome oafs Thor and Loki.”

“Well, you see Thor has his own movies and Loki is in them. Odin is also and some of the others I guess, but they are like the main characters, so I would know them.”

“I am Freyja Goddess of Beauty, Love, Fertility, Magic, War, and Death.”

“Boy, you have a lot of responsibilities.”

“That I do and who are you?”

“You are a Goddess shouldn’t you like know this?”

“You are not one of our worshipers, so we have no connection to you. If you did worship us we would know everything about you.”

“So, you don’t know anything about me at all?”

“I can tell you are a mighty shield maiden from the way you defeated Tyr, but beyond that, I have no clue.”

“I’m Katherine Guffey. I’m a lesbian and a fighter for lesbian rights.”

“What is a lesbian?”

“You don’t know what a lesbian is?”

“No, I don’t.”

Katherine stepped close to the Goddess and kissed her on the lips gently. “Let me show you what it is to be a lesbian.”

***

Katherine found Odin’s home, Valaskjalf, easy enough since it was the largest in the center of Asgard. Once it would have shined brightly, but it now looked dull as if all the color was being washed out of it. The door was slightly ajar and when no one answered her knocks she pushed it open and entered. Like the outside, the inside showed signs of once being bright and colorful, but now all color had faded into much duller shades. Stepping inside Katherine saw that the walls were covered in flags and shields. The flags were torn and worn with age and many baring brown stains that she knew were dried blood. The shields were in no better shape, some were little more than scraps of wood and metal.

“Anyone here?” She called squeezing her phallic-shaped weapon tighter.

When no answer came she crept forward glad of the slippers she now wore and even happier that the Asgardians had never heard of high heels. Creeping forward she watched the shadows still nervous about this situation and questioning her own wisdom of coming here without Freyja who was still asleep. Raised voices drew her to a side room and a quick peek inside revealed Odin and two others. The larger of the men was a redhead holding a large hammer, the other was short and skinny with slicked-back black hair.

“I have told you Thor we can not attack this Christian God’s home. Even if we wouldn’t be facing our own Valkyries we lack the power for such a battle.”

“Loki has a plan, father.”

Odin looked at the God with the slicked-back hair, fire burning in his eyes. “Loki seeks to cause more mischief not rebuild Asgard. He cares nothing for this land.”

“How can you say that Odin? My power has waned like all those who call Asgard home and I only wish to help return us to our former glory.”

“Enough! Thor, you are a fool if you trust Loki. Don’t you remember all his mischief, all the trouble he has caused us?”

Katherine backed away getting the impression this meeting was about to end. She quickly ducked into another doorway and waited. She heard the two Gods leave muttering angrily to each other before she came out.

She thought of leaving and returning later, but Odin had sent a message ordering her here now. As she knocked on the door she peeked in. The one-eyed God looked up from his cup.

“Ah, Katherine our newest soul. I wish to speak to you before we hold court and decide where to place you.”

“Freyja said something about me going to Helheim.”

Odin looked Katherine over slowly and licked his lips. “It is a good possibility, but I can keep you here. I am the head God of this Patheon, so my word carries a lot of weight.”

Katherine was used to men leering at her, but not a God. There was no one to protect her, to make sure she was giving a fair chance. She was alone here, not only in Odin’s house but in Asgard. “What would make you decide to keep me here?”

“A few hours of fun, a night of lovemaking that is all I ask to speak on your behalf.”

“I would rather go to burn in Hell than make love to you or any man.”

Odin laughed, “Helheim is nothing like the Christian Hell, it is much worse. It is ruled by an evil bitch who finds her amusement in devising new ways to break the souls she has. She has gotten quite inventive since she hasn’t received a new soul in a thousand years or so. But again, she may take an interest in you, you are her type.”

“If all you want to do is threaten me I’ll be leaving.”

Odin raised his hand and the door slammed shut. “You will leave when I say you can.”

Katherine spun back to face Odin as she pulled the phallic-shaped weapon from her sash.

“I’m a God do you really think you can fight me?”

Katherine hesitated for a moment then she brought the purple object crashing down on Odin’s head. Odin tried to call his spear, but the first blow stunned him. The next knocked him to the ground and sent his helm bouncing across the floor. Katherine let all her anger and rage at men come to the surface as she slammed the purple phallic-shaped cylinder into the All-Fathers head repeatedly.

Screaming in rage Katherine wrapped her free hand around her phallic-shaped weapon and rammed it into Odin’s empty socket. Odin had long since forgotten what true pain felt like, but having his eye socket penetrated in such a violent manner made him scream out. The purple cylinder punched through the God’s skull and into his brain. Katherine felt something enter her as she watched the light fade from Odin’s good eye.

Gasping for breath Katherine took a step back when her head felt like it exploded. She dropped to her knees and grasped her forehead with both hands. She tried to scream, but no sound came from her gaping mouth. She felt like her body was torn apart at the subatomic level and reassembled.

The pain receded allowing Katherine to suck air into her lungs. Standing slowly, she picked up her weapon and wiped it on the robes that Odin was wearing. Still dazed and unsure what had happened she stumbled out of Valaskjalf. Her body moving as her mind tried to process all that had happened and make sense of it.

Freyja was just waking up as she stumbled into the bedroom. She wanted to lie to pretend she had no clue as to what had happened, but Freyja saw the look on her face and flew out of the bed to wrap her arms around Katherine. “What happened?”

“I went to see Odin and h-he tried to force himself on me.”

“He is a pig. I don’t know how Frigg stands him.”

“She won’t have to any longer. I killed him.”

“You did what?”

“I was just so upset I attacked him and killed him.”

“Gods don’t truly die Katherine. You have destroyed his body, but his divine spark will create another. It will take time, but it will be ok.”

“I think his divine spark is in me.”

“In you, what do you mean?”

Katherine slowly raised her right hand as blue sparks of electricity crackled along her fingers. “I feel different, more powerful.”

“That is impossible. You are human, not even a demi-god so you could never contain a divine spark it would destroy you.”

“You didn’t think I was merely a human earlier,” Katherine said with a nervous laugh.

“What are you saying?”

“Nothing a joke. I joke when I’m nervous and I’m really nervous now Freyja. What will the others do when they find out? I killed a God and now I think I have his power.”

Katherine waited until the meeting had started before she made her entrance. Using the power that was now a part of her was almost instinctive as she blasted the heavy doors of Valhalla open. The doors slamming open brought silence to the mead hall and she felt all eyes on her. She swallowed slowly as she sought out Freyja and locked eyes with the beautiful Goddess. A smile of encouragement was on the Goddess’s lips allowing Katherine to stride into the feast hall.

“What is the meaning of this einherjar,” Thor demanded?

“I have come to take my place. I have the power of Odin in me which makes me the new leader here. I am now Katherine All-Mother.”

“Like hell,” Thor shouted as he flung Mjolnir at Katherine, but she pulled her phallic-shaped weapon from her sash and like a major league batter sent the hammer flying back at Thor. The God of Thunder caught the hammer and drew back again, but Katherine was faster waving her weapon at him causing lightning to shoot from the tip. Thor took the blast in the chest slamming him into the wall behind him.

“Like I was saying I’m now in charge there are going to be some changes around here.”

Tyr and several other Gods jumped from their seats drawing their weapons only to find themselves facing many of the Goddesses led by Freyja.

“As you all can see I have the backing of many of the Goddesses. If you wish for a civil war then we can battle it out, but I think what you truly want is to be worshiped again. I can help you with this, it will require a few minor changes to all of your spheres of influence.” Katherine walked to Odin’s old throne and sat down. “So why don’t you all put away your weapons and have a seat.”

***

Stephanie Holt leaned over and kissed her girlfriend when she heard the drunk two seats down mutter dyke under his breath. She started to stand up when a beautiful woman with short brown hair holding a purple phallic-shaped object appeared out of thin air and club the man into unconsciousness with the object.

“Who are you? What are you?” Stephanie asked staring at this woman in awe.

The brown-haired woman smiled. “I’m Katherine All-Mother and I’m the Goddess and protector of all lesbians. I have chosen you to be my high priestess.”