This is my letter for you. I meant to write it by hand, to show you how important it is for me that you know this, all of this. To show you I'm putting my heart and soul in writing this, and am willing to make a serious effort to right the wrongs between us. That I'm willing to work hard, and fight for you, and only for you. But I ended up running out of ink in each and every of my pens while writing this, so I'll need to retype it in order to say everything I've been longing to tell you for so long. I'll do my best while writing this to keep it readable. I tend to wander off easily during writing when I let my heart speak, making what I'm trying to say look chaotic, confusing, and weak. I'll do my best to prevent myself from doing that here, but forgive me if I fail.
Let me start by describing how important you are to me, how much you mean to me. You are, by far, the most important and life-changing person I've ever met. There are so many things in life that confuse me, or are uncertain to me. But there is one thing I know for sure: No matter what happens, I'll never stop loving you. Loving you is like breathing to me: It comes naturally, makes me feel alive, and without it all that remains is death. You take a space in my heart nobody else can fill; Whenever you're close to me, you make that I can become the best I can ever be. You make I can take on the whole world, no matter how much pain and suffering I'll endure. You are both my biggest strength and my biggest weakness: With you in my life, no bridge is too far, no mountain too high, no ocean too deep. With you by my side, I can do virtually anything. Ever since I've met you, and since we became closer, all I needed to do to overcome my weaknesses, to master my fear, to endure my pain and keep on going through the dark, was to whisper your name: The whispering of your name, your presence in my heart, and the promise that everything will be alright, and that the world is a darn beautiful place when you look at it, no matter how hard life can get. But at the same time, you are able to destroy me so easily too. And others too, when they go through you. To have power over you, is to have power over me; To hurt you is to hurt me; to destroy you is to destroy me. That's how much you mean to me. You are in every fiber of my heart, in every strain of my soul. Tell me, how could I ever live without you? You make me feel complete.
There's nothing I'm so certain about as of my love for you. But there are so many incertainties too, so many doubts and so much confusion. We both know how it is to feel uncertain easily, to have the whispers of fear clouding our minds. We both know how it is to be hurt, to doubt ourselves, to believe the bad stuff easier then the good stuff. We're not so different, you and I. In the things we share, in the things we hide, in the ways we hurt ourselves and eachother, and sometimes even others. There are things I may understand about us, things I may see about us that others cannot. But, as long as there's no confirmation from your side, I'll always doubt whether I'm right or wrong. If you mean yes but you say no, what am I supposed to believe? If you love me, but tell me time after time you don't, what should I do? I don't believe you do not love me, because if you didn't we wouldn't look for eachother every time we get separated. You and I, our souls are inexplicably drawn to eachother. We are two halfs of a whole, two poles of a magnet. We belong together. I know it, and deep in your heart you know it too. That you're the one for me, and that I can be the one for you. But it's not a path that walks over roses: We'll have struggles ahead, and we'll have to fight for eachother to make the fairy tale come true. Just like in beauty and the beast, it didn't go easily. He'd end up hurting her unintentionally, and beat himself up over it. She had to fight for him, to fight for the survival of their love. But their story ended happily, and ours still can. I'm willing to make the necessary sacrifices, and to fight endlessly to make the dream come true. I'm willing to find until I got no more energy, to take a shirt break, then continue to figth twice as hard, but only for you. And I'll hope you'll find the will to fight for us too.
That being said, I'm trying very hard to understand what you mean. To get to know when you mean no when you say no, or when you mean yes when you say no. And it's not easy, and I cannot do it without your help. And I'll have to accept that I may not be able to understand everything about you, and that there will be doors and windows in your soul that are sealed for me for eternity. And I'm not going to ask you to tell me all your secrets, but I'd like to ask you to be truthful when answering simple questions like "do you still love me", or to let me know if you rather not answer them, then that you lie to me, get caught in a web of lies, and end up feeling guilty for lying and beating yourself down over it; Whenever you lie to me, I feel as if you don't trust me. And youy're probably right, I damaged your trust several times recently, but I swear I don't do it intentionally and am forcing myself to face these errors I've made over and over until they drive me mad, to remind myself not to make them again. Because I love you, and I want to be the best I can be for you; the guy you deserve, and the guy who can offer you that what you need: stability, support, love, acceptance and loyalty. I want to build something up with you that will be strong enough to endure the storms that will inevitably come our way. I want to build a house of a relationship with you, with a solid base of trust, acceptance and comfort. I want you to be able to feel at home with me, to feel protected, but not locked up. I want to build up something with you that will last, not only through us, but also through our children and our children's children. You are the one I want to grow old with Itzelh, you and only you.
You are my strength, my love, my heart. And I wish to be your strength too. I wish to be the shoulder you can cry on, the arms you can feel safe in, the person who gives you the comfort you need when times get rough to take a short break, let it all out, take a deep breath, and face it again in all your glory. I ish to be, not only your love, but also your best friend, your support. The one you dream of at night and think of all day long. But we cannot make that true if we keep making the same errors we've been making up till now. We've shared a great deal of things together, both the good times and the bad times. And here we are, still somewhat close to eachother. But I don't want to ask you to build on on what we had; I want to ask you for a new start for us, a new beginning. One in which we'll be more prepared for what's to come, more able to withstand it, and where we can avoid the errors that drove a breach between us. If things don't work out between you and her, I ask you to give us a serious chance: to forgive the pain we've caused eachother, and built that what we've both been looking for: a stabile, long-duration relationship with serious future perspective.