Feminism Forever- Endless Love
(2nd in trilogy)
Patrick (my boyfriend, such a underwhelming word. He is so much more. He is the love of my life. The light in my world. He is my sun. He is everything) will be here soon- though it feels like a lifetime waiting for him, my heart hurts with longing when ever he isn't here- thank goodness. I need somebody (he isn't "somebody," he is everything to me, and I still can not believe my luck having him as my boyfriend, I feel so lucky) here with me.
Dad is forever travelling (because he has to get to interviews- sometimes the interviewers come here because Dad is that big an actor that they do everything they can to make things easier for him, but I call it sucking up to him, I mean they don't do it with the small time actors- and of course film sets, and also premiers and meet fans etc) and it seems like he is always on film sets.
Mum is always participating in photo shoots because she is a model (you would probably guess that if you caught a glance of her. She is the picture of stereotypical beauty and the depressing thing- it is so hard having a Mum so much better looking than you, I always feel plain enough without that making me feel even more inferior and not good enough for Patrick- is that it is real, she has not had any cosmetic surgery or anything, but when you look at her she is so perfect that you just can't believe it).
I barely ever see them. Some people would say that I am acting like a pampered princess by complaining about such: "silly things,". But personally I believe that family is one of the most important things ever. Certainly more important than money.
Whenever I do see my Dad, we barely talk because he becomes distracted by our flat screen TV and I am silenced (which is very typical of men. They expect women just to serve them and to be seen and not heard. I'm glad Patrick doesn't expect that- he enjoys our conversations and our little debates- because he would be in for a surprise is he expected that), so I go away to do my own thing. What would be the alternative, to stay there and wait on him if Mum isn't there, or to pretend that he is my role model? No chance.
However, our relationship doesn't bother me that much because most father's and daughters in this country (why do we always have to be the exception? Why do we have technology but not equal rights? It's a totally screwed up country) don't bond, so we are no exception.
What bothers me the most in my Mum. She is more like a friend than a Mum (not that I have a problem with friendship, in fact I wish I had friends, Patrick and I are friends in a way but now we are more couple material, and all of the other people I know from school don't really approach me, I guess because I don't like the same stuff that they like- they are into cosmetics and gossip whereas I don't know any pieces of make- up and I like worthwhile conversations- and also because I am a bit of a disappointment to them, I guess they expected me to be like Mum, pretty, or like Dad and be a talented actor and I am neither) and I wish she was maternal in at least one way. But she isn't. The things I want- and you would expect- from a Mum I don't get from her.
Sometimes, a hug would comfort me when I am lonely (when Patrick isn't around) and sometimes the words: "I love you," would boost my low self esreem and my feelings of inferiority.
However, she is just a figurehead and in practice she is a useless Mum- but maybe it is me that is useless, maybe I am just not a proper girl, certainly I do not enjoy the other things girls my age like. She is a show wife for my Dad and really they don#'t love each other; that is obvious.
The doorbell rings. Quickly, I run to the door. Yes. It's Patrick. My heart warming comfortingly with relief, I hurriedly open the door and hug him.
"Your Mum and Dad not here then?" Patrick asks grinning. If they were not Patrick would not be allowed in and I wouldn't be allowed near him even though I've known him all of my life (Dad put me into the local nursery school, he said it was because he wanted me to have a normal life but that was rubbish; they just wanted me out of the way. Anyway, I met Patrick there and we were instantly inseparable. With him everything is made beautiful and perfect).
"We're alone," I answer hurriedly, wanting him to be inside with me.
"Good. Can I talk to you about something?" Patrick asks seriously. He is always so considerate of my feelings when others are not. I always thought it was because I was a girl but because the other girls are treated so much better than I am it leads me to believe that it is something about me. Well, Patrick likes me and that is all I care about.
"Ok. Sit down," I say gesturing to the sofa and we sit next to each other. As usual, the warmth from our bodies creates sparks between us and I always wish we could be closer towards each other so I can feel the magic he holds. But then maybe if I were glue to him it wouldn't be enough because I would want to be even closer.
"Would you ever join Feminism Forever?" Patrick asks abruptly. Wow. I wasn't expecting that. Why is he asking?
"I don't know," I answer honestly. I wish I had a better answer for him because he clearly asked for a reason. But there are reasons for and against, like with anything.
"You don't know?" Patrick asks raising his eyebrows. I need to respond so I can restore the magic between us, to replace this tension with it.
"The woman who started it sold it- for millions- because she was not happy with the structure of it and some people think that the members are causing trouble.
However, many women who have joined it say it helps them with their confidence. The organisation has made society a better place- not a perfect place- for women.
Then again, it costs money so you could argue it's only their to give the woman who started it a good lifestyle for her and her family (her husband and child as well).
However, you could also argue that it increases the quality of the message that it brought across.
"Balanced view point as always," Patrick says. I used to think that was good. But not I think it is an excuse for indecision and I am practically a grown up so I need to make decisions.
"Would you join?" I ask, because I want to change the direction of my thoughts and also because I am interested in everything he says and thinks.
"I think so. Although it does cost quite a lot of money. Then again, if it helped you I would do it in a second because I love you," Patrick says. My heart does cartwheels in my body, I am so excited. He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.
"You love me?" I ask, I need to be sure that he didn't say it because he thought he had to.
"Yes, of course I do," Patrick says like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
"I love you too." I always have. It's just weird to hear it for the first time. We've said we like each other before and feel for each other but never mentioned love. I guess we didn't find the right time before but now feels natural.
This moment is too good to leave unfinished. So I move closer to him and reach my head up (I am tall but he is taller) and he follows my lead and we start kissing instantly. Normally, I am never so bold, but I felt so powerful and magical that I grasped the opportunity for making a decision. The warm spark between us intensifies and it spreads to the whole of my body making me feel more alive than ever. We are real, we have this withheld longing and urgency that is now erupting in a volcanic movement and there is no denying it (I wouldn't want to deny it, now all of my dreams are going to come true, I know it in my heart and soul).
Quickly, I hold Patrick's soft hand and lead him (it feels so good being bold, I guess before I was always ruled by other people and I am glad that Patrick lets me be me, an independent person) up the stairs with me to my bedroom- normally, I would have thought this was too gutsy and needed lots of thought, but I do not need to think, I know this is right, this is what I want- which I open hurriedly and close forcefully so that it slams (I will let nothing and nobody get between us).
Patrick and I move in a synchronised movement- we are always so in tuned to each other it is unreal- to my bed and we sit down and resume kissing again but more passionately so that my insides melt.
Then, we start exploring each other body with out hands (his chestnut brown hair is so short and soft, his love heart shaped face is so smooth and his body so long and lean).
But I crave more. This longing makes me more adventurous and wilder than ever; I unbutton his shirt and he unbuttons mine. Together, we get under the quilt- it just seems like the right thing to do, there are no doubts so there is not any awkwardness- and carelessly take off the others remaining clothes.
We look at each others' bare body and smile (he's got a good body, I guess he thinks the same as me, I guess love causes blindness on his part).
"Do you want to do this?" Patrick asks playing with my light black cropped hair which always relaxes me but I have no nerves about this. This is my first time and I have always dreamt of this and I know I would never want anybody else with me in this moment.
"Yes," I say. I am as certain about this as I am of my name.
"Are you sure?" Patrick asks again, he always makes sure to consider my thoughts and feelings. They say that nobody is perfect but I know he is.
"Of course," I say so he knows that I am comfortable with this.
Slowly, he moves on top of me and his heat radiates on me. I feel him enter me and he moves around softly but with energy and friction. I get used to the feel of him (at first it was slightly uncomfortable) and he moves deeper inside me filling my longing for more. We make a connection (for once I feel filled in every way and the emptiness that I've felt for a long time disappears) which makes this not only seem natural but sensational.
We fulfil our first act of lust (never before have our urges been acted on but today is different) for each other and separate our hot bodies but we still kiss.
"I love you," Patrick says.
"Will you love me forever?" I ask.
"Yes, because of our endless love," Patrick replies.
Together we shower; our love making doesn't smell of roses and kisses.
"I've got to go soon,"Patrick says.
"Oh, I wish you could stay," I say. I want to make love again even though I'm a little sore and I also want him to be company.
"So do I but you know how my parents are," Patrick says sighing.
His parents are horrible. They are over protective-every parent of a boy is overprotective but they are to the extreme- to the point where they don't let Patrick have a life; they overwork him because they're poor and want a higher standard of living and they make decisions without consulting Patrick even though he is old enough (16) to make his own decisions.
We get dressed and then hug and kiss each other goodbye in a warm and comfortable way.
Normally, I would dwell on the fact that I now miss Patrick so much but I've got to go around the house and tidy (Dad thinks highly about cleanliness and tidiness and yet it is normally me who does it all).
Firstly, I check the living room which just needs the sofa cushions smoothing. Then I go to the kitchen and clean the surfaces. Afterwards I go in my Dad's game room and I wipe and dust all around- he can be really lazy because he is a "better," and knows his "inferiors," will sort thinks out for him. I check Mum's room and hoover her carpet. In Dad's room I move him duvet around because he has got the buttons the wrong way around. Finally my room. On first inspection it seems good but when I lift up my duvet (to even out the stuffing) I gasp at the sheets. There are stains and quite an unpleasant odour. So I pinch the corners of the sheet and half it and half it again so that it is in quarters and rush to the outside bin where I chuck it (it's in quarters so that nobody sees the stains).
Quickly, I inspect all of the house and really it seems like a home that would be on the front cover on the magazines Mum reads (and loves).
Mum. She'll be home soon. Why did I want Mum and Dad home this morning? Now I want to be left alone. Ha. My parents are almost as demanding as Patrick's vulture parents.
It's been a tough five weeks. At first I felt so confused by how powerful my longing was for Patrick and I to make love again and I wondered whether I would ever get over that feeling. I hid away from my parents because I was scared they would somehow notice and then they would hurl abuse at me and say I was dishonouring the family name.
Now I'm ill. That's what I've said the past few days to Patrick whose worried about me because I've barely eaten (because I'm not hungry); to Mum whose worried because I've been sick in the morning and to myself because I'm worried about what everything means. I have missed a period, in the morning I am reluctant to get out of bed, I'm sick every morning and sometimes at night and I'm not hungry and I feel dehydrated.
I've been keeping up appearances to my family, Patrick and my educators when really I'm scared. All week I've been holding back from something that I have to do. Now. With Patrick.
"Will you be OK?" Patrick asks.
"Lets see what the doctor thinks," I answer.
We're in the waiting room. On the phone I didn't tell Patrick my fears about what the doctor might tell me because if I had then that would have made my fears seem more likely to come true and I wouldn't have gone through with this appointment.
"Ms Loretta Charles,"Dr Key calls.
Patrick and I stand up and walk over to Mr Key and enter his grand office.
"What can I do for you?" Mr Key asks.
In a monotone I recite my symptoms but my mind is elsewhere and I'm quietly chanting: "Please, don't say I'm... Please don't say I'm... Please don't say I'm....
"Have you recently had unprotected sex?" Mr Key asks bluntly.
"Er... yeah," I say nervously.
"Well, I think you're...," Mr Key starts.
"Not pregnant," I moan.
"I think you are pregnant,"Mr Key says firmly.
"What?" Patrick asks shocked.
"But we can't be sure. I recommend you take a pregnancy test," Mr Keys says and he fumbles around in his room and finds one.
"This is highly efficient and ninety nine per cent accurate. You can go in the toilets and use it and come back to me with the results," Dr Key says.
"Can Patrick come with me?" I ask.
"Normally, I'd say no but I think you need as much support as you can get," Dr Keys says sighing.
Quickly, Patrick and I hurry out of his room and to the toilets where we go into a cubicle together.
As I follow the instructions (which can be hard to follow) on the label we are both silent and I try to stop all the thoughts in my head.
"I can't believe this. I might become a Dad," Patrick says smiling when I've finished and we're waiting for the results.
"You're actually looking forward to this? Why did we have unprotected sex? What happens if I'm pregnant?" I ask tearfully.
"I am looking forward to this because I might get to be a Dad. We had unprotected sex because it was in the spur of the moment and we can get through anything if you're pregnant," Patrick says comfortingly which is wasted on me.
"Stop being so unrealistic. If I'm pregnant everything will change," I moan.
"But we love each other and can get through it,"Patrick says reassuringly and he hugs me as I cry.
"My results should be here," I say.
Slowly, I look at the test (even though the answer is inevitable) and it says: Positive.
"I'm pregnant," I say thrusting it Patrick's hand as I weep.
After ten minutes if crying and Patrick comforting me we go into Dr Keys office.
"It's positive isn't it?" Dr Keys says.
"Yes," I answer.
"I can always tell by how long they take in the toilet and the condition of their eyes," Dr Keys says.
"I don't think you're making her feel any better," Patrick says when he sees me looking at my puffy and sore lime green eyes in the small mirror that I carry around with me.
Dr Keys rambles on about "trimesters," and "what to expect," and diet plans," but I'm not really listening.
Inside my head there are a whirlwind of questions, some that the brochures Mr Key is handing Patrick won't answer.
"We need to tell him," I say.
"But he'll kill me,"Patrick protests.
"No, he won't. We've come this far, why not go in?" I say bravely and I walk up to the door and unlock it and reluctantly Patrick follows. Although having a baby will be difficult (it may sacrifice my hopes and dreams for the future) the fact that Patrick is supporting me is all I care about as he is my most important dream for the future. Also, I fear this more than I fear having a baby, my Dad's reaction is important to both of us.
"This is one of the only times that Dad will be in because he's got a big film coming up so we've got to make the most of it," I whisper.
"OK, I'll do anything for you, you know that," Patrick replies slowly and he comforts me by holding my clammy hand.
I open the living room door where for once Dad is actually sat down and talking to Mum (normally he stays in the games room).
I step into the room and Patrick follow me, both of us trembling.
"What is that vermin doing here?" Dad asks loudly and deliberately. A hot fury spreads through my body and I want to punch him but I resist.
"Dad, we've got to tell you something," I say quickly, to detract my anger, Patrick's feeling of inadequacy and the tension.
"What is it?" Dad asks in a bored tone, I guess because it doesn't concern him.
"I'm pregnant," I say quickly, knowing that doing it like this reduces my capacity for nerves.
"You're WHAT?"Dad asks furiously, his face turning a dangerous beetroot red.
"I'm pregnant," I repeat and this time it is easier.
"You stupid, stupid, stupid girl," Dad shouts turning purple and spitting in my face. I am so glad that I got it through quickly because I have gone through the worst. Hopefully.
"Calm down dear. Loretta, go to your room while I calm him down," Mum orders. Quickly, Patrick and I go to my bedroom (even though Mum only told me to, but Patrick wants to be there for me).
"He's so angry," Patrick says.
"Well, it's not exactly good news," I say.
"Like I said before we can do this. We've gotten our qualifications so school isn't a priority. We can get jobs and..." Patrick starts.
"We'll get in trouble if we don't stay until the end of term and everyone in school will treat me like a skank," I moan.
"But you're not," Patrick says.
"I know. But we've got to think it through," I say.
"I know. We've go to..." Patrick starts but is interrupted by Mum and Dad who walk into my room.
"I've got a question: Why didn't you use contraception?" Mum asks.
"It was in the heat of the moment," Patrick answers.
"Are you definitely pregnant?" Dad asks.
"Yes," I answer.
"We can deal with this. I'll book you into a clinic and then you can move on with your life," Dad says.
"What?" I ask.
"Well, you don't want a child from this rat do you? I bet he's given you something nasty," Dad says.
"I'm not having an abortion," I say.
"I don't think she should have an abortion," Mum says.
"But look at the facts of the situation: she's too young, she's unmarried, he's poor, it'll ruin our reputation..." Dad starts.
"Shut up. It's my body and it's my choice. This child wasn't planned but it's mine and I've got a duty to care for him/ her," I interrupt.
"I think we should keep the baby," Patrick says.
"Nobody asked for your input. As far as I'm concerned you took advantage...," Dad starts.
"No, he didn't Dad. He was so wonderful," I interrupt.
"When?" Dad asks.
"When what?" I ask.
"When was the baby conceived?" Dad asks.
"When you were last away," I answer.
"How does this help?" Patrick asks.
"Don't talk to me like that. I've got an idea: you are not far into your pregnancy so you can finish school and nobody will know. I;ll buy you your own private place- if you want to keep the baby- so nobody will find out," Dad says.
"Why can't she stay here?" Mum asks frowning.
"You know why. How would it look...," Dad starts.
"Ok," I agree.
"What?" Patrick asks.
"Well, it'll give us freedom," I reply.
"If we're ever free," Patrick mutters.
We had a long long long conversation. Before Patrick went home Dad gave him a long lecture on his responsibilities (unnecessarily) while Mum and I whispered in the background. Mum's actually been very supportive of me, like Patrick, and has made me feel better about this whole thing. Dad has been very cynical about the pregnancy and very crude about me and Patrick because I've "let him down." Well, he's let me down all of my life. Let's call it payback.
School. It's horrible. It's the end of term so everybody is boasting about what they're doing in the six week holidays. I want to shout at them to SHUT UP.
Also, at school I feel self conscious because I wonder if everyone has noticed that I take regular toilet breaks and that I eat little but often (it would be meals but I can only manage snacks at school but it's sort of following the advice in the brochures.
Well, it's the last school day so I don't have to endure it much longer. Everybody is saying how much they'll miss each other. Blah. Blah. Blah. I'll be glad to leave. Most of the girls (it's an all girls school) are stuck up, superficial and selfish. The teachers have not had a proper conversation with me but they have had them with everyone else and I thought that getting the best results in the year would change that but it didn't (Dad paid for a tutor because "only being near the top would be a disgrace to the family honour,"). So really I'm not losing anything. Actually I'm gaining more independence.
Independence. Ha. They won't let me do anything. Mum, Patrick and Dad insist that they carry my things (as I'm ready to move out) and fuss over me and generally treat me like I'm helpless.
Dad has been better with me recently. I'm still a disappointment to him but he's supporting me and he's opened up a fund for me and the baby. Mum us excited about he baby arriving, Patrick is a little preoccupied but when I ask him about it he clams up. Oh, well. He'll tell me in his own time.
"Wow," I say as we enter my new place. It's beautiful. It's a large house with colourful walls (blue, red and orange) and all of the decorations go with the furniture.
"It's a really nice place," Patrick says.
"We should leave you in peace to sort everything out," Dad says and he kisses me on the cheek and nods at Patrick whilst Mum smiles at Patrick and hugs me.
"They're looking forward to being grandparents," I say once they've left.
"Like we're looking forward to being parents," Patrick says and he hands me an envelope and says: "Don't open it until I've left."
"Sounds serious," I say.
"It'll sort itself out. I want you to know that I really love you," Patrick says.
"I really love you too," I say.
We start kissing softly but with passion. Quickly, we move to a bedroom and sftly fall onto the bed and take our clothes off.
"We're making twins," Patrick jokes.
"I'm glad that can't happen, it's be weird," I say and I kiss him harder.
"Do you want to do this?" Patrick asks.
"Yes," I say eagerly.
"Even though I know it won't happen I'm worried about poking the baby," Patrick says.
"Don't think like that," I say grinning and signal that I'm ready.
It starts much quicker than last time and we give more energy into it than before so he manages to get deeper inside me and reveals more of his body to me. Quietly, I moan with pleasure; this is incredible.
Making love just got a new definition; a once in a lifetime experience.
Once Patrick leaves ( we have a good afternoon together but unfortunately this house is just for me) I open his letter.
Firstly, I want to write that I love you so much that I can't put it into word which is why making love with you felt so miraculous to me. I smile at the memory and want yo stay with you forever and never leave your side.
Also, I'm glad that we have made our baby because it shows the love that we feel and the love that we made to each other and the bonds that we shared. I wouldn't give that up for anything which is why I am glad that you didn't have an abortion.
When I told my parents they reacted extremely badly (also known as "freaking out,") and they won't let me live anywhere near you so we're moving.
However, I've managed to get a job so I can support you and our baby and I will save up so that I can live near you or live with you and pay rent (I'd love that).
Moreover, my job is recruiting members for Feminism Forever and I feel that I am helping wonderful women like you to be able to make your own choices without being forced into anything.
I want you to know that I will do anything for you and our baby and I'll work ha