I'm alone now. Or as alone as I can be mentally, physically, emotinally... This place has been deserted for over 6 months now. that's where the nightmare really began. It was Christmas Eve 1990 with snow covering the frosty ground, the icicles glistening in the frail sunglight...
My law-abiding, perfectionist mother had invited all the family and families friends round for a Christmas Eve party (an excuse to get exceedingly merry). I felt as though I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole. All around me were people my others age acting as though they were 19, with the dance moves to match the age- can you imagine that? Whilst the whole room was partying to the conga I knew thatI could take advantage to slip up to my room and iscolate myself from the happiness and merryment that I found so repulsive. Oh my godness, my room. If there was one thing i missed, it was that! It had an en-suite bathroom too. My bedroom was painted a light gold colour, with a large luxurious double four poster bed, complete with a matching dressing table and bedside cabinet. I adored my oil paintings too, I guess that i liked the feel of being superior, elegant and more comfortable than i could afford too.
Anyway,I remember tiptoeing silently upstairs and shut my door as quietly as possible and collapsed on my satin sheets at long last. A couple of seconds of peace and-BANG! The door crashed open with such a force that it bounced off the wall. And there, in the doorway, was the devil in a very convincing disguse. My mother. 'What on earth are you playing at? Disapperaring when everyone's downstairs? I didn't bring you up to act like an unsociable brat that you now are.' she whispered, the expression on her face deadly calm and her blonde hair crackling with red hot electricity.
'Mum, don't be angry. I was just-' ButI knew even before I began it was completly useless.
'You- I have no idea how I managed to produce such a ungrateful daughter! You're a disgrace. Unemployed, all you ever did was rely on your father and now that he's gone you don't what what on earth to do with yourself-' At this point I exploded with all the things that I had been bursting to say for years. 'Well guess what my dear mother! I wish you never had me, I wish you were dead and I could have my dad back instead of you,I cannot even bear to look at you! I HATE YOU!' I picked up my lamp and smashed it at her feet and spat. Just by the look on her faceI knew thatI crossed the line so far that is was irreversible. 'Sweetie, you really need help.' She said said coldy and strided out of her room shutting the door with a snap. I knew this was bound to happen one day if i'm quite honest, I had never lived up to her expectations. I was one big mistake that she wishes she could erase.
And my Dad...well...he died, a long time ago. But I can still remember the way he smelt, the way he held me, and the way he cradled me. My heart aches for him every single day and I know that i can never see his smile again. A part of me dies inside. I stayed in my room until I heard the front door slam and the last old biddy topple out of the door, finally. But I just remember standing there, as though i couldn't move. I was frozen with dissapointment and fear in myself. I must have gone mad, it didn't feel like it, but i must have been. I heard light footsteps coming up the stairs yet defiently did not sound like my mothers. And yet, yet we were the only two in the house weren't we? My heart was beating like never before like it was going to explode! Who was this? What did they want? Oh God, help me! The footsteps were edging slowly and tentatively towards my door. 'Who is it?!' I yelled to no avail. 'Answer me!' I yelled even louder. Suddenly the door opened so slowly you would have thought a little child was trying to open it.
It was my father! I saw my father! It was as though he was slightly blurred around the edges to make him look even imaginary but in my heart and soul i felt like it was him. I was about to faint but I battled agaisnt it and for the first time i cuddled him in 6 years! Oh,I never wanted to let go, wherever he wasI wanted to go with him. He whispered the wordsI will never forget "Sweetie no matter what happens in your life you know thatI always be with you, in your heart. Always' And then, as slowly as it started he walked backwards out of the room blowing a kiss to me as went. He shut the door after him just like mum did so I had thought he went downstairs to see her. I wrenched the door open and bounded downstairs my heart still beating fast. 'MUM!' I bellowed. 'MUM! DID YOU SEE HIM?! IS HE HERE?'
This day was not right. She was not right. She was...crying like a oversized baby cradling on the red carpet and clutching herself as though she was trying to rip herself apart. I phoned the ambulance as soon as i saw her, it even drove my father out of my mind. Paramedics came about 10 minutes after I phoned but the whole day is now a blur. A whirl of voices and colours. Before i knew it tears were streaming down my face for my mother. The one that hurt me more than anyone. You know what, even on her deathbed she had to have the last word, to stick the knife in one more time. On her last breath she admitted that my father, my dead father, was not my biological parent. I was never his. He was never mine. And then, well... she died.
I didn't go to the funeral,I didn't organize it. I didn't want to say goodbye, I was glad she was gone. Just the thought of everyone crying and sobbing over her was unbearable. EverythingI held dearI had lost. My life was not worth living anymore, I couldn't think straight after that, ever. Drugs, alcohol, sex, anti social, every day. I wanted to drink myself into oblivion to be able to be incapable of feeling or thinking anymore. It was almost as though I was only struggling through my days to make everyone else know who I am and what I'm doing, to make them all for guilty. Not a very enlightening confession but there it is. My body was telling me to stop, but my brain was craving for more. My auntie was the one that ruined everything for me. Apparently she had my best interests at heart and that was the reason she done it. Yeah right. Interfering bitch. She knew I had once tried to kill myself by an overdose and that was her justification for her actionsbut she knew that it was just a spur of the moment thing, I was angry, never going to go through with it. Nothing major. Honestly. I guess allI was was an empty shell. Alone..empty..desparate. And this place was meant to be ideal for people like me. Like me. . .