This has got to be some kind of joke. I've already changed the
bloody batteries in the scales three times, they must all be
wrong! Near starving for 2 months and 14 days and I'm only 6
stone 10 pounds. How is that possible? Turning this way, twisting
that way I can still see the bulges of my fat hanging over my
knickers, my thighs wobbling more than they ought to, and my face
blown up like a balloon. Something must happen soon mustn't it?
Everybody's weight fluxuates so I must be at the peak of my
weight right now, and then it will go back down to where it's
meant to be.
Now it doesn't seem to be so hard to lose weight, having been on
a permanent diet for 5 months. Yes being sick after meals is a
slight hazard, especially when I'm invited round peoples for
dinner there is always the constant worry of being heard and the
anxiety of the questions after it happened. And that is why you
will always find my handbag equipped with a toothbrush and
toothpaste or at least some chewing gum to help dense the smell.
I couldn't help but feel guilty when I see my friends faces,
angry at me yet always offering support and trying to act as
though they know what the hell is going on. But they don't. They
don't have a single clue and it frustrates me when they try to
help because it just ends up making it a whole lot harder for me!
Man alive I sound selfish. Me, me me. But that is what goes
whirling around my head everyday, me. Oh my goodness, I'm tearing
up just thinking about what I'm doing to everyone. I splash my
face with cold water and lean over the sink looking at myself in
the mirror. It's just everything about myself makes me recoil. My
chin is just, well I swear I have a double, very wobbly chin. My
cheeks look puffy and along with my freckles I look pathetic. My
eyes used to be shining so brightly blue but now there barely
visible in my fatty face, it was pretty amazing how my features
could change so drastically the moment I put weight on. It makes
me sick. And the only thing I can do to change it is this, I want
more than anything to be able to accept myself, to smile when I
see myself. Might be easy for other people but I can tell you
right now it's one of the hardest things for me to do.
'Elizabeth!' my dads voice rang up the stairs. 'someone at the
door for you!' I was quite intrigued as to who this could be as I
very rarely keep in contact with many people anymore, they always
wanted to go shopping or for a meal and that was not something I
was going to volunteer for. As I got to the front door I saw that
it was my close friend Richard. Bit of a shock to see him there
as he faded into the background when I started dieting. 'Richard,
what are you doing here? Do you want to come in?' Elizabeth
smiled warmly at him. 'I'd love to Lizzy' he replied. Close up
you could see that he was looking strained and rather nervous.
Elizabeth led the way up to her room with Richard following her.
While she sat on her bed she was just happy to see him again yet
he was standing up, straight backed and serious looking. She
didn't really understand what was going on and why he was being
so distant from her. It was making her feel increasingly tense
but she couldn't find the words to ask him what was the matter,
as in her mind she was scared it would come back to her. 'Lizzy,
I had hoped you'd be over this by now! I'm trying to accept what
your doing to yourself, but I love you way too much to do that.'
He sat down opposite her and slipped his hands around her back to
pull her into a cuddle but he found that he couldn't even put his
hands on her back in fear of feeling the bones and knots he could
already feel. 'Richard, I wont break you know. Please, just hold
me tight' He could feel tears pricking at his eyes and he had to
will himself not to cry in front of her. Just smelling her again,
and being this close to her bought back the memories of her old
self and how he used to feel. How could she do this to herself?
And that was the moment he broke down. Sobbing he started to pace
her room, running his fingers through his hair in utter
frustration. 'What else can I do Lizzy?! What else can anyone do?
Everyone has been worried sick about you. The day we went to
pizza hut I walked in the bathroom after you to make sure I was
right in what I was telling everyone; that you wasn't being sick.
And I heard you Lizzy. I heard you. So don't you dare try to
insult my intelligence by lying to me again!' He reached over the
bed to place his hands as softly as he could just underneath her
breasts. He felt her sharp breath intake when his fingers touched
her delicate ribs. He looked deep into her eyes and lifted her
chin up to look at him. He needed to help her...
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