Chapter Seven -
I think I am in hell! I have never felt as isolated and alone as I do today.
Three months have passed since I last saw him. A month since I felt his presence.
I can't take this bullshit anymore!
He is not real, and I am insane.
He is no more flesh and blood then the papers within your covers.
I need real affection, I need to feel a man's powerful hands on my body, I will not continue with this childish dreaming any more!
There is a boy in one of my classes. Despite my numerious rejections he continues to ask me out. I have decided I am going to accept. His name is Christopher. I think I am attracted more to the things that make him so different from Aidan. His hair is blonde not black, his eyes a kind brown compaired to Aidan's stormy green. He seems kind and he carries himself as if he hadn't a care in the world. How different it would be to just be with someone so carefree and happy. Perhaps I can learn to find myself happy with him and forget all this darkness.
Yes, no more doubt, I have decided to try, really try to make this work.
Journal, I will respond to his touch, his kisses, I don't care what nightmares Aidan delivers, if he wants me, he will just have to present himself to me in the flesh. No more Goddamn games!
Journal, I have just returned home, and I must say, I had a marvelous time with Christopher tonight. It all was so deliciously normal. He took me to a nice restaurant; a silly movie (about vampires no less, I rolled my eyes at almost every scene, ridiculous!) and we ended the night in his car at the park. I had never "parked" with a boy before. I tell you, my journal, I tried I really did try to enjoy his kisses, but it just wasn't the same. His lips were hard, his kisses clumsy, it just all felt so different.
His touches were so gentle, so shy, they seemed to be almost absent.
Will it be this way with every real man? I am ashamed to say I need something more. More… I don't know… I need someone strong, commanding, the touch of a strong hand, experienced and demanding kisses. I think Aidan has ruined me for any thing less.
I wonder, am I even still really a virgin? I have woken from my dreams feeling sore and spent, but does that translate to actual changes in my body? Do I really want to be with this boy? Should I wait longer?
I am so confused.
I will not wait, why should I?
Chirs has asked me out again and I know the way he looks at my body that he wants more than just kisses in his car. I have accepted. I am prepared to take this leap. I will let him have what he wants. I think it is like a leap of faith, how will I know if this is really the way people are with each other? Maybe this is the only way to find out, to take it as far as I can before I lose my nerve. But, I tell you this journal, the boy had better learn to be more of a man or I will lose my nerve.
Aidan came to me in a rage last night. For months I have been without him in my dreams and only after my decision does he appear? I realize now I should not have challenged him as I had my previous entries. I think, my dear journal, I will regret it till the day I die, for my life and my dreams will never be the same.
At first I thought I was having a normal nightmare. I was being chased in a wood, by some unseen hunter. I dashed and jumped, swerving this way and that. Trying to hide in the foliage to catch my breath only to have to jump and run when the sound of footfalls came to near. Fear as I have never known it pumped adrenaline into my soul as I fled. I thought I had lost the hunter, burrowed into a hole in an old rotting tree. I tried to hold my breath covering my mouth to keep screams from escaping my trembling lips.
At first there were no sounds, but as the hunter came near, I thought I would pass out from holding my breath, but the footsteps began moving away until they were no longer audible. I allowed myself to exhale and relax, but just when I thought I was safe, unseen hands reached from the darkness and pulled my feet with dragging my body as if it were as light as a rag doll. I clawed at the ground trying to find something to grab onto, to stop my movements. There was nothing but dead leaves and dirt. The smell of decay and death all around me, I tried to scream but nothing would come from me, I tried to struggle but the grip on my ankles was so strong, hands now becoming claws, digging into my skin.
The dragging stopped. The claws releasing my feet and I was left alone.
Or so I thought.
Suddenly, I found myself being raised by the wrists, being tied between two trees, my shirt ripped from my body. I was left suspended, my feet trying to find a footing but only just touching the leaves under my toes.
'Please' I tried to beg but was silenced by a fierce slam to my face.
'You wanted a nightmare, so I am only obliging your wishes' a voice came from nowhere. My blood pounded in my ears, my heart seemed it would explode in my chest with fear.
'Aidan?' An evil laugh returned my silent question.
'You swore no other would have you, would touch you, and not but a blink of time goes by and you are ready to give what is not yours to what? To a ridiculous boy! I don't not take kindly to being defied and lied to!'
'You are not real!' I screamed back at the nothing, 'You are nothing! A figment of my imagination. You do not exist!'
'Nothing you say? Could nothing do this?' Another hard blow to the face, I could feel my lip swelling up, tasting my own blood in my mouth.
'Please, Aidan, you have to understand. You left me, you abandoned me!' I tried to explain, but my breath esaped me as another invisible fist struck my stomach.
'I am with you always. I own your pathetic body and will use it as I please!' He growled in my ear.
'You swore to me! And what do I find but you taunting your infidelity in your thoughts. You said you did not care what nightmare I brought to you…
So here I am!' The last words coming from a deep growl more than a voice.
Red eyes glowed in the dark and long fangs appeared, gleaming in the night. A shimmer of scale reflecting in what little light poured thru the trees.
'I'm sorry, please, I'm sorry' I moaned and pleaded but I knew I would find no mercy here in this hellscape.
A wind picked up and a whisper carried on the breeze with words that broke my heart into a million pieces as it drifted into my mind, 'not as sorry as I am'.
I screamed as the first lash struck my back. Where had it come from?
I could feel no one behind me. The sound of flesh tearing was all I registered before the pain radiated from the second blow. I begged and begged for it to stop as the third and fourth lashes from something hard and spiked brought the smell of blood to the air. I felt a long forked tongue lapping up the dripping liquid as unfamiliar hands came around and clawed at my naked breast. The touch was different from the hands of my dreams; the fingers were so much longer tipped with curved sharp nails.
'Mercy, please, I beg you, no more.' Sweat now dripping from me. My dignity left seeping away as I hung there and the unseen hands fondling me.
'You will never doubt my existence again, of this I promise you.' The growling voice panted. One clawed hand wrapped around my throat, restricting my breath holding me in place. I could feel a hard scaled chest firm against me, with me trapped by its strength. A new wave of terror renewed my violent shaking, knowing what was going to happen next. I tried to scream but the hand closed in harder around my neck as he thrust his member into me from behind. All feeling left as his girth filled me, tearing me apart from the inside. I stared at the moon with silent tears flowing down mixing with the smeared dirt and blood now caked on my face and breasts.
'Say it! Say what I want to hear!' He hissed in my ear, his claws loosening enough from to allow the words to slip thru.
'I am yours and only yours.' I managed out with a sob as he came inside me.
I woke this morning with my pajamas torn into shreds, my face swollen from his attack. A shame I had never thought possible unfurled inside me, as I gathered up my torn cloths and blood stained sheets. The night replayed in mind in horrific detail as I showered, hoping the hot water would wash away the pain and sorrow, the water turning brown and red as it flowed down the drian.
I had my long awaited proof that my dream lover was real, my soul tore apart as the sobs escaped me. I curled myself up into a ball, sliding down the wall of the shower to lay on the tile when I realized my love, my dreams would never be what I hoped. I knew now that he could and would use me, my affection , my body however he pleased. I would say my heart, but my heart was lost last night, left behind in that forest, tied somewhere to the tree, left to rot with my dignity."
"What the fuck!" Gideon yelled from his desk. Anger surging thru him unlike he had ever experienced. He reached up and threw the book across the room, tipping his desk in an attempt to relieve his frustration. His mind went back to the sweet face that first caught his attention. Those startling blue eyes, staring back at him. How could anyone abuse this loyal caring woman?
If this Aidan were in front of him now he would tear him limb from limb, wait for the appendages to grow back only to rejoice in tearing them off again. He was not a foolish man prone to fantasy but there was something in this woman, something in the way she had begun to fascinate him that opened this side of his heart. He understood the evil nature found in creatures like himself, he should not have been surprised at the attack, but still…
He tried to calm himself. The only solace came with the mental image of skinning the bastard alive and leaving him staked for the morning sun. He wanted blood, he wanted vengeance for this innocent girl who did nothing but wanting to love and be loved in return.