These two chapters here are the most emotional chapters I have EVER written. Chapter 10, Ben learns some sign language. I watched YouTube videos on how to do this, so its probably as accurate as it can be. Hope you love these chapters!
This is Really Going to Happen
Ben really go with me to my appointment that Monday. The surgery is in eight days and I am very nervous already. “You okay?” Ben asked when we parked in the parking lot of the institute. I nodded quickly and he smiled at me and kissed me. We got out of his car and we walked in and the receptionist seen Ben. My heart began to race because I don't want him to do anything stupid around her and me. “Hello, appointment for Autumn Camden,” He said to her and I smiled. He didn't even flirt with her! She said something and he grabbed my hand and lead me down the hallway. He took me to an empty room and Dr. Schwartz walked in and smiled at me. “Hello, who is this man here?” he signed to me and he said what he was saying as he sign so Ben can understand.
“My boyfriend, Benjamin Causby,” I said and the doctor shook his hand.
“Okay, so we are here to discuss the game plan for next Tuesday. We will get everything planned with the surgical team, anesthesiology, the team that will put you to sleep as we start and the nurses. This surgery will take about two hours, one hour per ear.” I nodded as I read his lips and I looked over at Ben and he looks nervous.
“So, what are the risks of this surgery?” Ben asked and he grabbed my hand and squeezed it.
“Well, the implant can cause the surrounding tissue to get infected. It's also pretty close to the brain and she can get an infection there like the one she had twenty years ago that caused her to go deaf. There is always risks in surgery, but she wants to hear again, and the outcome outweighs the risks.” I shook my head to agree. His grip on my hand got looser as I went ahead and filled out the paperwork for my surgery. I will be in the hospital for four days and by then, the swelling around the implant should cease and Dr. Schwartz can activate my implants. If not, it can take up to seven days after surgery to hear. I just hope by day four after surgery I can hear.
After we left the facility, Ben took me back to Boston and took me to the place we went to dinner that did not end well. We sat in the same booth and we ordered the same food. Ben has been quiet, as in not talking to me. I grabbed my notebook and I began to write. “Ben, what is wrong?” I wrote and I pushed it to him and he read it and I watched his chest heave as he sighed.
“I'm worried about you, okay? The surgery, the risks, you...” He stopped there. What was he going to say? I bet it's something about me hearing again. I need to know, he has been acting so strange around me lately. He acted strange since I announced that I am getting the implants.
“Tell me the truth, Ben. Do you want me to hear again?” I wrote down and he looked around then his eyes looked at the ground.
“Yes and no, I am confused. I want you to hear because you want to so damn bad. I don't want you to hear because I am already adapted to you being deaf and I have to learn how to get use to you hearing.” He said and I tilted my head to the side. Get use to me hearing? That does not make any fucking sense!
“I don't understand, Ben,” I wrote quick, my handwriting almost non-readable.
“I am an ass hole, Autumn. Joe has called me this since I told him this also. I don't want you to hear because I am use to you being deaf and I don't want to adapt to the new you.” So, he doesn't want me to hear because of himself. Mom is right, he is conceited. I bit my lip and I didn't want to walk up and leave like I did last time. I think we just need to REALLY talk about this.
Our food came and I just ate my food and Ben knows I am pissed off. I cannot believe he is fucking thinking of himself with ME getting MY hearing back. “Baby?” He said to me and I just stared at him, watching him repeat that word over and over. “Baby, please don't be mad at me!” He said and I rolled my eyes. After we finished, I demanded to go back to his place. I am not staying over with him tonight. I am gathering my things and before I go home for the night, we will talk. “I thought you are staying with me tonight,” He said and I grabbed my notebook and wrote fast.
“Ben, I don't feel like talking to you right now. Just take me back to your place so I can get my stuff. We will talk then,” I wrote and he nodded when he read. I stared at the Boston skyline on the way to his penthouse and I looked over at him once. He is staring at me and he tried to smile at me but I didn't smile at him. He is a conceited ass hole. First, he was an womanizing ass hole now he is just conceited. He only thinks of himself. I love this man, I really do. I cannot imagine my life without him, but I can't be with him if he is going to be like this. I don't want to be with him if he doesn't want me to hear because of himself.
We finally got to his place and he opened the door for me and I went to the bedroom and gathered my things. I don't really want to leave. I just need to get away from him for one day. Maybe two days. Ben came to the room and put his hands on my waist and kissed my neck. No Ben, don't start this with me! I turned around real quick and pulled his hands away from me. I grabbed my notebook and began to write. “I guess it's time for that talk now,” He said and I nodded. I wrote and I wrote a lot. I got all my feelings out on this note. I actually started to cry because I am so mad and the tears got on my page, smearing some of my ink.
“First off, you ruined the day by you just admitting that to me. You don't want me to hear, that is fine, but it's your sake, not mine. You got use to me being deaf and you don't want to 'adjust' to me hearing again. I thought you would want a normal girlfriend. I thought you gotten better, Ben. I thought the old Ben is gone when I gave you that second chance almost a month ago. Nothing is about you, it's about me, my family, my friends. Your not the one that is deaf, it's me. What if you we're deaf and I was you? I would be so HAPPY that you will be able to hear, to hear me say how much I care for you. I fucking LOVE YOU! You are the first man that I love other than my father!
I am going to leave, Ben. This relationship is not over...yet. I don't want it over, but I have a feeling that you do because of MY decision that I made to make myself hear. Come to my place whenever you feel like your needs are not your first. Don't text me or call my parents or Bethany. You come to me and make me believe that you want me to hear because of me. I love you and bye.” Before he could even respond to me, I ran out the door and slammed it behind me. I ran down to the street corner and found the bus. I ran to the back of the bus where nobody is at and I finally, I finally let it out. I covered my face and cried. I should have listened to Mom and Bethany, I think Ben and I are over.
Bethany shook me awake and she is staring down at me. “What is wrong pussycat?” She said to me and I read her lips. I lifted my arms up and began to sign.
“Ben admitted to me that he doesn't want me to hear because of him,” I signed and I curled up in a ball and Bethany curled up behind me and put her arms around me so her hands are in my face.
“So, you two are over?” She signed to me and I sniffed.
“I don't know. I admitted to him that I loved him and I told him to come to me when he stops thinking of himself. Will he come back to me?”
“I don't know pussycat...I don't know.” Everything is the unknown right now. Will he come to me after that rant I just done? Will he stop thinking about himself? And most of all, does he love me?