Anger coursed through my veins as tears of frustration poured down my cheeks. I sat on the beach watching the early morning surfers ride the waves and wished for their carefree attitude. I loved Toby, of course I did but sometimes he was a first class bell end. Getting told off by your brother is never much fun, especially in front of the man you love and definitely embarrassed yourself in front of last night. I understood why Toby was mad but it's not like I could control myself, I didn't just decide to go for a little walk whilst fast asleep nor did I decide that a pile of rocks would be the perfect place to rest my weary head. I touched the cut and flinched at the sharp pain spreading across my temple, it hurt more than I'd ever let on. Thankfully I'd decided to wear something to bed last night although I'm certain I woke in completely different clothes but it wasn't beyond me to get changed whilst sleeping. I was angry, angry with Toby for yelling at me and angry with Damon for just sitting there. Once upon a time he would have stuck up for me even if he knew I was wrong; he would always have my back in an argument. It was his damn fault I'd gone to bed stressed out in the first place. Of all the god damn memories he chose for my pregnancy to surface. I wanted to scream, I wanted to throw myself into the sea and let it swallow me up for a little while. I laced my fingers through my hair and clenched at the roots as sobs rocked through my body.
I felt someone sit beside me and smelt Julia's perfume. Her arm wrapped around me and pulled me close as a cried. She gently pulled my hands from my head and soothed my scalp softly with her fingers.
"I'm done Julia. I'm fucking done with all of this. I've suffered enough. I can't keep living in the past. It hurts too much. I love him so much, I loved him so much but now when I look at him I'm angry. I'm angry he gets to carry on with his life because he can't remember what he's lost but I can. I fucking remember every god damn moment. I remember the pain, the heartbreak and the moment I lost him. That confused blank look in his eyes when he was told who I was still haunts me and he might remember a few things here and there but it will never be enough to rebuild our lives together. I can't hold on anymore, he isn't my husband, not the man I loved and married." I held tightly to her as I poured my heart out. I'd been so strong in front of everyone, pretending to be fine and dealing with everything. Hiding the broken heart that begged to be allowed to heal. I thought spending time with Damon was the answer; that maybe he'd fall in love with me again but my heart had run out of patience. It was torn apart from the constant stabbing pain of reopening old wounds and memories best forgotten. It couldn't take the pain anymore and I had to let it recover, for the sake of my own sanity I had to let go.
I hadn't realised Julia wasn't alone until I heard Damon clear his throat behind us. I froze as Julia tried to apologise with her eyes. I pushed away and stood up turning to face the man who caused all this. I wanted to be angry with him; I wanted to continue feeling the rage but the moment I looked into his eyes it was replaced with heartache. My hand went to my chest as I took in the hurt flowing through his eyes, the anguish in his face and the heart wrenching sadness flowing through his body. I wanted to explain, I wanted to take away the upset I had caused him but I couldn't speak. Nothing I could say would make any of this better. My heart hurt too much to be able to explain in a way that wouldn't make everything ten times worse. I honestly didn't want him to suffer like I was but I couldn't take back my words. I did the only thing I could and walked away. I wanted to stop, I wanted to wrap my arms around him and make everything better but I couldn't. What use was a hug from a woman he didn't really love? Sure he was hurting because he was the kind of guy that didn't like to cause upset and he was probably feeling guilty because he'd unwittingly caused pain but his heart wasn't broken because of it, his life wasn't shoved into a pit of despair because his future had suddenly been ripped away from him; how could he miss a future he couldn't remember wanting? He had no idea how much it hurt to give up on someone, to truly turn his back on the one thing he had loved more than anything. Damon had been my life, my world and my best friend for four years and now I had to go on without him. Part of me wishes he'd died, I know it's a horrible thing to think and I don't really mean it but god things would be so much easier to deal with if he had, I would have mourned his death and somehow found a way to cope without him instead of holding on for months and months in the hope he'd remember me.
Part of me wanted Damon to come running after me and persuade me not to give up on him but he didn't. I sat on the bed and tried to control my shaky breath. It was over now and it was time to move on. I stood and walked into the bathroom, pausing as my reflection stared back at me through the mirror. God I looked a mess, my hair was wild which actually matched my crazed red eyes perfectly. I ran my fingers down my tear stained cheeks and swore to myself that was the last time I would ever cry over the past. I had to let go of Damon, no it wasn't going to be easy but it had to be done. I turned on the shower as I continued to convince myself I was fine and everything would be better now I was letting go. Trying to ignore the fact that letting go and thinking your letting go are two completely different things. Fuck it, I had been in love before I met Damon so why the hell couldn't I fall in love again? Maybe we had just exaggerated our love for added tragedy value now. Maybe it hadn't been as intense or perfect as I remembered. It can't have been love at first sight otherwise the moment he opened his eyes he would have loved me regardless of whether he remembered me. I'm twenty eight not fifty; I can easily start my life again without Damon. This gut wrenching pain would soon become a dull ache and this debilitating heartache would become mildly annoying if anything at all. Relationships fail all the time and people move on so why the hell am I crying again? Christ, I need to get a grip.
By the time I left the bathroom, I had a solid plan in my head. I felt stronger or at the very least my mask was back in place and I felt I could face the world without crumbling and crying like a broken wreck. I might be a mess on the inside but on the outside I would be the epitome of perfect. I heard Toby and Julia whispering outside the guest house, arguing over what to say and who should say it. I smiled and opened the door just as Toby held up his fist to knock. He jumped back and clutched his chest
"Jesus Christ Callie, are you trying to give me a heart attack?" he took in gasps of air to calm his excessively beating heart. I smiled and stepped out causing them to move back further.
"Sorry, next time I'll yell before I open the door." I grinned and stepped around them, I glanced towards the beach and saw a lone figure sitting facing the sea, I knew it was Damon and it took all my strength not to go comfort him. I turned my attention back and picked up my bag
"Thank you so much for having me. It's been great but I really must get going, I have a lot to sort out." I headed up towards the house as they followed showing their concern for my wellbeing.
"What could you possibly need to sort out on a Sunday?" Toby asked taking one of my bags and carrying it for me. My heart swelled at the sweet gesture.
"I'm moving back into the house. Well, I will eventually but I want to redecorate and have a clear out first." I waved towards our old house nonchalantly as if it didn't break my heart merely looking at it.
"Maybe you should take some time to think about this."
"Maybe you should just let me do what I need to do." My voice was sterner than I would have liked but I couldn't take it back now and it managed to shut him up.
I said my goodbyes and drove back to my town house. Last week I drowned myself in work to avoid thinking which luckily meant I'd written enough material to have a few weeks off. Now I would exhaust myself doing up the beach house and ridding it of any memories. I know it's not exactly a healthy way of dealing with things but if you can point me in the direction of ANYONE that has dealt with heartbreak in a healthy way then I'd gladly eat my hat. I packed a few supplies and clothes preparing to spend as much time as possible at the house without giving myself the scary title of living there. It might not make sense to anyone else but it eased my mind. Somewhat.
I feel like I'm having a fight with myself and I don't even really know whose winning or even if any side actually is. I want to rid the beach house of everything at was ours, purge it of our memories but will getting rid of physical reminders actually ease my pain? Am I just ignoring the problem by hiding the evidence? Am I pretending to face things head on when I'm actually just running away? Am I really ready for this? God I'm so confused but mostly I'm angry, no I'm more than angry; I'm furious. A Hulk fuelled rage flows through my veins and I can't make it go away. I just want it all to stop, I've suffered enough and I want this pain to be over now. I don't need to feel this hurt in order to grow as a person or some other philosophical bullshit that we're told to justify wallowing in the pain. I know who I am, or at least I knew who I was when I was with Damon. Now I'm not so sure but feeling like this sure as hell isn't helping me find out.
I left my packed bags by the front door and headed back into the living room. I grabbed a bottle of whiskey and sat in my overstuffed worn out recliner. If I had to feel this pain then I'd sure as hell find a way of numbing it somehow. I rather classily took a swing from the bottle and winced as the amber liquid burnt its way down my throat. The burning settled and a warm glow surrounded my heart. I might not be ok now, or even for a little while yet but I would be. One day. I just wish my tears believed my bullshit instead of streaming down my face.