~Chapter 34: Forgiveness?
Two weeks passed, and my work schedule was back on track, my gym schedule was back on track, I had time to think, to understand what I want and I'm perfectly fine with it all. Healing was hard. I had to be alone to heal. But it was worth it. I had to heal from all the shit that invaded my life. Brian, Joshua, the pregnancy. I had to let it all go and move on from it. I had come to grips with my problems and flushed them from my system.
But I wasn't prepared for this. My mother standing in
the doorway of my apartment.
She looked more disheveled than the last time I saw her.
Her hair was a mess and her eyeliner was a mess. Her clothes were a mess, she was just a huge mess.
"What do you want, Natalie?" I asked.
"To talk to you. I know I don't deserve it, but maybe we should just have a heart-to-heart before I go to California."
I was going to curse myself for doing this but I stepped aside to let her in.
We were alone because Justin was out on a date with Alex, the nurse that took care of me when I was having the miscarriage. And he hasn't even fucked her still. They were taking things slow and I was proud he was really trying to get know the girl before just fucking her and leaving her.
I shut the door and tied my robe up in a tight knot.
I crossed my arms. "So, you want to talk? Talk."
She sat down on the couch and looked up at me. "Can you please
sit with me, Peyton?" She asked.
Hesitantly, I walked over and sat in the loveseat to the left of her.
She took a deep breath and let it out. "Peyton, I knew from the start I was never ready to be a mother."
"That's your excuse for-"
She put her hand up to stop me. "I know how easily you get angry, just let me finish."
I sat back in the chair.
"Peyton, when I left you, I didn't think I'd feel guilty. I figured I go on to designer school and become this big fashion designer and make all of this money. I thought I'd become this big top designer, but it didn't work out that way. I met Brian and I let him take me out of school."
At the mention of his name, I felt a thrill inside me knowing what happened to him, and who did it.
"Then I started to miss you. My plan failed and I needed my
I shook my head. "And once again, I was your second choice."
"I needed money. Financially, me and your dad weren't stable. I left for you."
"I wouldn't have given a fuck about that. I didn't want money. I
just wanted my mother." I admitted.
She stared at me a long time before looking down to her fingers. "You say that now, but you would have thought differently when you would have had no food on the table and no clothes on your back. I had to sacrifice for you and that's what I did."
"Poor you." I muttered sarcastically.
She caught my eyes and I looked away from her.
"Honestly, a part of me knew bringing you home with me and Brian was a bad idea."
"So why did you?"
"Your father's business was just starting to pick up when you were ten. And he was so invested in his work that he couldn't be home with you at all times. The judge called him a negligent parent and I feel that he was also."
I look at her and I can't help but laugh, dramatically, and loudly. When I calmed down, I smiled at her. "You really have the nerve to call someone else negligent. I'm amazed, Natalie. Really."
"I wanted to help you, that night. I saw Brian go into your room that first night and, I knew deep inside why he was going in there."
"And you didn't stop him."
She closed her eyes and covered them with her hands. "I know, darling, I know." She sniffled and lifted her head. "And I hated myself since." She whispered.
I stared at her for a long time. I know she's looking for me to feel remorse for treating her like shit last time we spoke.
"Natalie, I forgive you."
Her brows shot up in shock. "W-What?"
I nodded my head. "I forgive you."
"You do? Really?"
I played with a curl of my hair. "Yeah. But it's not because I feel sorry for you, because I don't. At all. I just want to flush all of the poison out of my fucking system so I can sit back and enjoy the rest of my life. And my anger for you, it would have stopped me. But I also want to thank you."
She tilts her head in confusion.
I nod. "Thank you for showing me what a mother shouldn't do. Ignoring her daughter as she gets raped over and over again and not helping her because she's afraid of her husband. When me and my boyfriend have kids, I will never be like you. Ever. I will protect them, and I will love them. Never abandon them. They'll be my center. They would never be in the situation that I was in, I'd make damn sure of that. And any person who would touch my kids, are not going to have to worry about prison, they're going to have to worry about the fucking morgue. I promise that."
She swallowed hard.
"I don't ever want to see you again after today. You don't owe me anything, but you staying out of my life will be a favor to me. My anger towards you is gone, and now I only feel numb."
"Can find another family to be loyal to. If you remarry and have kids, I hope you can treat them way better than you treated me. I hope that you're loyal to them. I hope you can show them how much you love them, and I pray that you can protect them like you couldn't protect me."
She blinked at me, a worried wrinkle in her forehead.
"That's what you can do for me."
Someone knocked on the door.
My mother look dumbfounded with our conversation as I stood and unlocked the door before opening it.
Natalie and Dad haven't seen one another in eleven years.
My dad peeked in and met eyes with my mother. His eyes widened.
He quickly looked to me and then back to her.
There's no way, with Natalie here, my dad's going to let me turn him away.
I could see him growing red with anger already.
I stepped aside and let him in.
He walked in and glared at the woman he once loved. The woman who abandoned him and his daughter twenty years ago. The woman that let another man violate his child. His eyebrows slanted down in anger and his gray eyes became watery. "Why are you here?" He asked.
She stared up at him in what seemed to be both relief, and sorrow. "Victor." She breathed. She stood to her feet, gaping at him, like she thought he was dead or something.
"Why are you back?" He asked.
"I wanted to tell Peyton goodbye." Her voice became shaky and rigid.
Dad held back the tears I know wanted to fall.
I patted his shoulder to try to calm him down.
"Victor, I know what I did was selfish, and wrong. Bringing her
home with Brian there-"
"You shouldn't have ever left, Natalie."
She nods, tears falling down her cheeks. "I know. I know and I'm sorry." She stepped forward and wiped the tears from his cheeks.
A sight that looked so familiar, it even made me want to cry, but I didn't.
He grabbed her wrist with a tight force and snatched her hand away from him. "Don't you touch me."
She stepped back, seeming surprised by his rejection and anger
She shouldn't be surprised. She should have expected his hatred toward leaving him and what she put me through.
"For years, two fucking decades, Natalie…."
"Victor…I know. I know I hurt you and I'm so sorry."
"Sorry. That's supposed to make me feel better? Me and Peyton? Is sorry supposed to make up for everything?"
She looked to me, and then back to him. "You two are so alike, it
breaks my heart."
"We both got fucked over by you. We gotten close during your absence." He replied.
She nods. "Well, I'm not mad at you for it."
Dad looks to the floor.
After a long, deafening silence, Natalie sighed. "I guess I should go."
Neither me nor dad said anything.
She buttoned the coat she had on and walked around us to go to
She opens it and pauses. "I love you both. I always will." And with that, she shuts the door.
I exhale when she does and I walk up to hug my dad from behind.
I can feel the silent hiccups, as he cries. "I'm sorry, dad." I whisper.
After a few silent seconds, he turns and hugs me back. I had to wash her from my system and dad had to do the same thing. If we didn't, we couldn't move on, and moving on would bring me one step closer to my Heaven that is Lukas Kary.