~Chapter 33: Dark side of the moon
After I took a three week break from work, I decided to go back before week four. I felt a little better and I knew moping in my room was pointless. It was time to get shit back in order, back to how they're supposed to be.
Physically I feel pretty okay. But I was still spotting after the miscarriage. That's my only reminder, but other than that, I washed the memory away, because if I dwell on it too long, I'll just become sadder, and sadder and I needed to get out of that phase or I was going to pull my hair out.
Ian brought a paper over to my cubicle. I looked up at him.
I grabbed it from him. "Should I be scared?" I asked before looking at the paper.
"Honey, even the title has a spelling error. I think you should
be very afraid."
I smiled. "Oh god."
"Work missed you."
"I didn't miss it."
He chuckles. "If you need anything, let me know."
I nod. "Thanks, Ian."
He gives me a smile before leaving my cubicle.
I took a sip of my coffee and stared at the paper.
Yep, hell is back, and it is pretty damn ruthless.
Through my lunch break, me and Ian decided to have lunch in his
I wasn't really hungry much. My appetite has changed drastically. So instead of eating, I just worked through my lunch break. I grabbed the next packet I had to edit. I had my red pen ready to circle the mistakes. "I swear I feel like I'm editing preschool work sometimes."
Ian laughs. "You're telling me."
I circled a blank area where a period was supposed to go.
"So, I was wondering how you're doing. I mean how you're really doing."
I looked to him.
"It's none of my business, I am your boss after all but curiosity
I put the top back onto my pen. "Honestly, Ian, I'm fine. I spent nearly four weeks crying in my room after the baby, and because of Kary. I'm not going to cry anymore. There's no point. So I'm fine. It took me a bit but I'm back on my feet, and back serving my hard-ass boss." I said.
He smiled. "And that's why I hired you."
I nodded. "Because I kick ass."
After work, I decided to hit the gym. God, It's been a while. I haven't came here in about three months, maybe a little bit more than that. I had my gym bag strap over my shoulder and I dropped it onto the bathroom floor. I changed my clothes into a black gym bra with black tight gym shorts, which will probably be a mistake because I know it's going to catch people's attention.
I pull a hair bow from my bag and tie my hair up into a high bun
and wash the makeup from my face.
I pull my socks and gym shoes out from the bag and put them both on. I tied my sneakers in tight knots, got my gym bag and left the bathroom.
I got back downstairs to where all the equipment was, and everyone was working out. But not a lot of people were here tonight.
I dropped my gym bag into the corner after grabbing my ipod out
of it and as always, my first choice was the treadmill. My doctor
told me not to stress my body out too much, so I didn't.
I went with a walking speed and turned up 'Radioactive' by 'Imagine Dragons'.
However the beat was pretty quick so I decided to say fuck it and run.
And it felt good, I haven't actually ran in what felt like a very long time. I closed my eyes, forgetting about everyone else in the room as I carried on.
After the treadmill, I decided to get on the exercise bike.
And it wasn't until I reached for my water on the floor, that I saw the ever so infamous Ben.
I grabbed my water.
He smiled a trademark smile at he walked up to the bike. "Wow.
I nod. "Yeah." I take a swig of my water.
"Nice to see you again."
"Yeah, you too. Are you going to turn into a dick on me
He shakes his head. "No. I never apologized for what I said last time so I'm sorry."
"You're forgiven. There were a lot more things on my plate than thinking about how much of an asshole you are."
He nods. "I'm sure. I doubt if I'm the first thing running
through your mind."
"You're catching up."
He smiles. "Look, you want to go get a drink after we're done here?"
"I could use one but…"
"If you're worried about me trying something then-"
"I'm not worried. I'll break your hand off if you try something."
"As feisty as always."
"Hey, I won't try anything though. I'll respect the space."
He nods his head. "I promise."
I sighed. "Fine. I'm going to go home and change, and we can meet up at 5ive Bar by ten."
"Sounds like a plan."
I nodded my head and put my water back down.
After packing everything back in, I drove my car home, which
thank god my dad didn't leave it at Yashi's restaurant.
I showered and got redressed in a black tank top with a pair of tight skinny jeans. To think, a few months later, I wouldn't have been able to fit in them.
I slipped on my red pumps and combed my hair down.
"Where are you going all sexed up?" Justin asked leaning against
the doorframe of the bathroom.
"Trust me, this isn't me sexed up. I'm just going out for a drink with Ben."
Justin's eyebrow raised. "Annoying, horny Ben?"
"He's your friend."
"Yeah, but… I didn't think you liked him."
"I don't like him. We're just going for a drink. I need to get out the house. Going to work was just step one. The gym, step two. If I can be cool with going out for a drink, I think I'd feel even better. I'd feel like the old Peyton again."
Justin sighs. "I guess. Just be careful. That guy is a serious
I rolled my eyes. "Don't I know that. What are you up to tonight?"
"Remember the second time you went to the hospital?"
"I try not to."
Justin smiled. "There was a nurse there. Her name is Alex. I invited her over tonight."
"You nail her yet?"
"No, Peyton, me and this chick known one another for three weeks and my dick stayed in my pants the whole time."
Whoa. Now that was odd for Justin. I look to him. "See? Getting to know someone before banging them always works best."
"Well you can't really say so. I mean, you and Kary banged before
you two got to know one another."
I looked back to the mirror and nod. "That's true. And now look where we are." I grabbed my ruby red lipstick and applied it onto my lips.
"Okay, Peyton, that's 'fuck me' lipstick."
"No it's not. You haven't seen my 'fuck me' lipstick."
"If you're not planning on fucking Ben tonight, why are you getting all dazzled up?"
"I'm not dazzled."
"Peyton, you can be wearing a fucking potato sack and you are still dazzling, everyone knows that. I'm just trying to understand your point in all this."
I looked at Justin through the mirror. "I just want to look
Justin crossed his arms and shook his head. "No, you just want Kary to see you."
I turned to look at him. "That's not true. He wouldn't even go to a place like that. It's about to be ten. I have to go."
Before I could walk out of the bathroom, Justin stepped in front
of the doorway.
"Just don't do anything stupid that will jeopardize everything. You had enough drama happen in your life."
"I know that. I'm not stupid. Please move out of my way."
He blinks at me, and slowly moves aside for me to walk back into my bedroom. I grab my red purse and make my way downstairs to my car.
I get in and fire it up.
I reverse from the parking lot and get onto the Chicago streets.
I understand Justin's reason for being worried about me hanging around Ben. I mean Ben is as perverted as they come.
But I knew how to protect myself. Hell, god throws so much shit at me, why wouldn't I know how to protect myself?
I guess I was always going to be the sad, pitiful victim everybody underestimates.
I just didn't want to feel helpless anymore.
I wanted to have fun like I use to before Lukas Kary ever came into my life.
He was my oxygen, but I needed my own. I needed to get back to myself so I can get back to him.
It's funny, actually.
When I first met him, I never thought in a million years he could make me feel like this. That first moment since we met yeah there was heavy attraction but I didn't think I'd fall in love. Wait…it wasn't just falling, I was head over heels.
And I didn't like it.
I use to make it a thing not to fall too deep in with anyone because everyone has another side to them. A dark side that is dangerous. I have seen the dark side of the moon of Lukas Kary. And it wasn't pretty but it was apart of him, so I accepted it.
I pulled onto the curb of the bar.
I turned the car off and got out.
I walked onto the sidewalk and opened the door to the bar.
As soon as I walked in, it screamed 'Trouble'. And considering how much trouble I've been through, I wanted a break. But I needed a break from my shit. And alcohol will distract me.
The door shut.
A man shot a ball with his pool stick. His eyes then went to mine and he winked at me. I smiled and stepped down. As I look around the bar, I see a bunch of guys, checking me out. And it actually made me feel really good. Back to the old Peyton.
I spotted Ben on the far right of the bar.
I walked over to him, marveling in the attention guys seemed to be giving me tonight. Maybe I am wearing the 'fuck me' lipstick.
I take a seat next to Ben and he studies me, hair, to heels. He
grins. "Gosh, Peyton, you look so…"
I nod. "I'm starting to realize that. Every guy is staring at me like they want to eat me."
"Can you blame them?" He asked, his eyes going to my tits.
Here we go again.
"Eyes up here, Sherlock."
Ben looks to my eyes. "Sorry."
The bartender asked me if I wanted a drink. I just ordered a beer and flashed him my I.D.
"So, I heard about the shit that happened, you know, the
I sighed. "Who told you? Justin?"
He nodded. "Yeah, he was feeling like shit, so he filled me in."
The bartender hands me my beer and I take the top off and take a large gulp. I sit the beer on the bar and look to him. "I'm sure I'm the reason he was feeling like shit."
Ben stared at me and after a minute, says, "So, you were pregnant
that whole time? Even when we were talking in the
I nod. "I didn't know then."
"Hmm." Ben shoots back a glass of dark liquor and asks for another shot. "Well I'm sorry for your loss."
I take another gulp. "Thank you Ben."
He nods and shoots another shot back.
I turn and look around the bar, searching for something, but I'm not entirely sure what.
"So aside from the baby, how are you and Kary?"
At the mention of his name, I felt a powerful spark, deep and intense in my groin. Then all of that is covered up by the reality that we're too fucked up, and life is not going to give us a chance. I clear my throat. "I don't know."
"What, you two are done? That's what Justin told me."
Justin needs to keep his mouth shut. "Um…it's more of a break."
"Either way, you two aren't seeing each other today, though…right?"
I nod my head and look to my heels. "Right."
"So at last, my chance is here."
I rolled my eyes. "Ben,"
"Come on, Peyton, it's no secret that I want to date you."
"Date me or fuck me? I don't know what's going on through your head, Ben."
"Come on, I don't normally beg."
He sighs and hesitates.
"It's just that I feel like I deserve a chance. I mean
I'm your date at that party. I can tell you were annoyed with me,
but I was just excited. You brush me off all night and then the
second you see Kary, you grab me like you started caring, just to
make him jealous. And then disappear with him…and then you go
home with him. It may not seem like it, Peyton, but that really
I study his face carefully to attempt to see through his poker face. I wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or not.
"I'm really sorry, Ben. Using you like that was very selfish. And
it'll never happen again. I'm very sorry."
He smiled. "That's cool."
I trace my index finger over the rim of my beer bottle. Maybe what I did to Ben was my bad Karma. If that's the case, God put a hell of a karma on me. A hell of a karma.
Ben smiles warmly. "Let's just let bygones be bygones."
"I like that plan. Let's talk about you though. What's been going on with you?"
Ben explained how he didn't get the job at Kary Enterprises but he's still at his current job and looking for a new one.
And he's going to be in his sister's wedding in the winter, and he's asked me to be his date.
I said I'd think about it. By the winter, who knows where I'd be, or who I'd be with by then?
But talking to Ben wasn't bad. I ended up staying later than I
By my third beer, I was still sober enough to understand my surroundings.
My doctor told me I couldn't get wasted…yet. She said I should wait until my body is all the way healed. And it feels pretty healed…physically anyways.
"Can I tell you something, Peyton?" Ben asks.
I glance to see the clock read two in the morning and then looked to him. "What?"
"You're seriously the hottest girl I know."
"And you're seriously insane and wasted."
"No. No. I'm serious. I was so jealous Kary got to fuck and it wasn't fair."
"Ben, I am hating where this conversation is turning right now."
"I'm sorry." He moved his shot glass over.
"Just chill on the alcohol." I said.
He toys with the glass and then look at me.
"Ben, you look really drunk right now."
He burps. "I feel fine."
"Yeah, no, you don't look fine."
He blinks and smiles lazily at me. "I'm not going to lie to you, Peyton, I've had a boner for you all night. Every time I see you. It's just hard for me to be around someone who teases but doesn't give it up."
"I'm not a tease."
"Really? Take a look at what you're wearing! Don't tell me every guy in this bar haven't been giving you the 'I want to fuck you' look. Every guy's been eyeing you. But you shrug it off like they mean nothing."
Just like Kary. Women gets so hyped up when he's around but when he's with me, he brushes them off like their flies.
I keep forgetting how alike me and him are.
"I know. That doesn't make me a tease though, Ben, it just makes
me not interested."
"Still have your eyes on him?"
"Never took them off."
"Mmh…" He scoots closer to me. "I bet I can make you forget about
I leaned forward looking into his eyes. "And I bet you my dad's bank account that you can't." I shot back.
Ben stares into my eyes for a long while before planting his lips on mine.
I gasped. I couldn't even register what was happening.
Ben wrapped his arms around my lower back, kissing me forcefully.
I quickly push him away, and before I could punch the shit out of him, Lukas had already hit him.
Ben fell to the floor, and from the looks of it, he was asleep.
I stared down at him and then looked to Lukas.
He did not look happy. Then again, how can I expect him to be happy after everything that happened?
His green eyes met mine, and all I could think of was the dream I had of us, where everything was back to normal and he was mine again.
But this was the reality, he was not mine, and we were not back
All I could do was blink in shock.
Shock that Lukas was here.
How did he even know I was here?
"Come on." He grabs my arm and leads me through the bar, into the
hallway that led to the bathrooms.
It's quiet, and empty.
"How'd you know I was here?" I asked.
He stared into my eyes and leans against the wall across from me.
"I followed you."
"Since when did you become a stalker?" I asked.
"Since you walk out of your apartment looking like you want someone to attack you."
I sigh. "What do you want?"
His expression hardens. "You know what I want."
"I do, and I want it too. Worst than you do, trust me."
"I seriously doubt that, Peyton. You want to know what my every thought has been this last month? You. I can't sleep or eat. I can't touch you, or kiss you and…" He runs his fingers through his messy hair.
I look down to my heels. I know how he feels. "I can't either." I
His eyes met mine. He steps to me, and runs his fingers through my hair and tilts my chin up so I'd look into his eyes. "I need to feel you, Peyton."
I nod my head. I need to feel him too. For us to make love so we can snap back into the dream fantasy we lived in before.
"I need to feel you too, baby." I whispered back.
I grabbed his ass, pressing him against my body. "Hard." I purred.
He groans and grabs my ass, squeezing it hard, as his breathing becomes shallow, matching mine.
He leans his forehead against mine as he presses me into the wall.
We want one another.
This would be the moment where he'd slam me hard against the wall and take me right here, not giving a fuck who saw us.
I haven't felt this attraction in so long, but it blurred all the
pain over this last month out of my head. The only thing I can
stay focus on, was him, and how hot my cunt felt because of
His hand goes to cup me hard.
I moan and writhe beneath his touch.
My hand goes over his as I start to pant heavily. I couldn't
explain how turned on I was getting. How long it's been since
I've been wet.
How depressingly long it's been since Lukas has been inside of me. Nearly a month now. I've spent those devastating times being alone and moody. But right now, with us so close, I couldn't stand to think of those dark times.
"Lukas," I whisper as I cup the thick bulge in his pants.
I want him.
I need him.
But what will it fix?
Emotionally, we'll still be in a bad place.
Sexually we seem to always be here together 10/10
But emotionally, emotionally I'm drained. And the last thing I want to think about at the moment is me and him.
I'm shot back down with reality and I let go of him.
He immediately notices my change in behavior, lets go of me and steps back.
One second we're all over one another, and the next second, we're distant.
I shake my head as I look into his eyes. "I can't do this Lukas.
Sex isn't going to fix anything."
He seems to register this for a second. "I know. I just miss being with you. Even what we were just doing was enough. As long as I got to touch you."
I nodded my head. "Same."
He slides his jacket from his shoulders and step forward to place it around my shoulders.
My eyes never leave his.
"It's chilly as hell and you're dressed like a hooker."
I giggle and slide my arms into his jacket. It smells like him.
He steps forward, and I expected him to kiss my lips, but
instead, he kisses my forehead.
When he pulls away, I look up at him, confused.
He grabs my chin in that sexy way I miss. "If I were to kiss your
lips, I'd be longing to kiss your other lips." He
I closed my eyes feeling the stirring desire in my groin. "And I wouldn't stop you." I whispered.
"I wouldn't let you."
"We have to stop doing this. Us being alone, kissing, wanting each other and then just breaking apart. You can't follow me anymore."
He let out a deep breath. "I'll give you space. Actual
space this time."
I nod my head.
Lukas grabbed my hand and kissed my knuckles before releasing my hand. "If you're here drinking I'm guessing the baby is…"
I pulled my hand away. I didn't want to talk about that." "Uh yeah, three weeks ago."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
I shrug my shoulders. "I don't know. I…didn't want you upset…more upset."
"I'm just glad you're safe."
"You're not mad?"
"I would have respected your decision. But we can't do anything about it now." He brings my hand back to his lips.
I nodded. "I know."
He kissed my hand once more before releasing it.
He slowly backs away from me, his eyes never leaving mine. "Peyton, it's us, forever. We can always try again." He turns and leaves me with my mouth hanging open.
He actually wants me to have his baby?
That was something I really had to think about. I'm not the motherly type, I know this, but if it happened again one day, by accident, I probably would do everything I can to keep it alive this time. I'd do whatever to make that happen.
After I got myself together, I went back out to the bar and Lukas
was nowhere in sight. I bit back my disappointment but looked
down to see that Ben was still knocked out on the floor.
A guy helped him up for me, and even helped carry him to my car.
I thanked him and he nodded and went back into the building.
Now it was time to get Ben home, and then myself.
I didn't think tonight would be as enjoyable as it was. Kary left again, but with the promise of a family, I felt like our future might be pretty damn bright.