Author's Note: I know the vibe has been very sad, and depressing but it's going to start picking up after this chapter. I can guarantee that the worst part is over!!
Chapter 32: It's not going to fix anything
I couldn't move. I was too stuck in shock.
I should have noticed everything. I should have paid closer attention to the cramps. I should have acknowledged the bleeding earlier. I should have noticed how I haven't been as tired or nauseous lately. I should have noticed it all. I'm guessing I lost it before those two weeks I got out of the hospital. According to those doctors, I was still pregnant then.
There was a knock on the door. "Peyton, hon?"
"Dad, I need to go to the hospital."
I grabbed a bunch of paper towels from the rack and put them in
my panties to get rid of at least some of the bleeding.
I pulled my jeans back up and opened the door.
"Just get me to the hospital, dad, I need to go now."
My dad nodded and helped me out of the bathroom.
The cramps were growing more and more painful by the second.
He got me into his car, and quickly got onto the road.
I gasped every time I felt a cramp, it felt like a knife twisting
in my lower back.
"Hon, what's wrong? What happened?"
My breaths were shaky. "I'm losing the baby." I whispered.
He blinks at me and then looks back to the road. "Well…I…I'm sorry, honey."
I shake my head. "You're not sorry." I breathed.
He closes his eyes. "If you wanted the baby, then yes I am. Did
you want it?"
I look to him and shrugged my shoulders before looking back to the road.
"How are you feeling?"
"Not so good." I admit.
"We're almost there." He speeds up. "Are you going to call him?"
I shake my head. "No."
"He'll figure it out." I answer.
Ten minutes later, when we get there, I'm taken into the 'Early
My doctor did an ultrasound on me to check on the baby, to see if it was something else. But I had a feeling it was a miscarriage, and it didn't shock me when my doctor confirmed it.
I didn't see this coming. I figured there was already so much drama, nothing else can possibly shit on me. But I was wrong.
My doctor asked me if I wanted a natural miscarriage or a D&C. I didn't know what either meant. I never thought it would happen to me, so research was the furthest thing from my mind. On top of that, I was in too much pain to give a straight answer.
But I overheard her talking to another doctor, and deciding to go
with the D&C.
With preparation, they gave me anesthesia and put me to sleep.
When I woke up, the first face I had seen was Justin's.
I blinked up at him a couple of times.
He smiles warmly.
"Justin?" I whispered.
He nods. "Yeah, I'm here, Pey."
I closed my eyes again and opened them.
His smile disappears. "It's gone."
I licked my dry lips. "I know." I whispered.
He doesn't speak for a few moments. "Who knew you'd be back here
I swallowed and looked to the ceiling as I blinked back tears.
He sighs. "I was always on your side. Regardless."
"I know," I looked to Justin. "It's my fault. It died because of me."
Justin's eyebrows furrowed. "Because of you?"
Although I tried to keep the tears away they came down anyway, ruthlessly. "I didn't want it." I admitted.
"You didn't?" Justin's voice lowered.
I shook my head. "I didn't. I had myself convinced that if I got rid of it, it'd make me a bad person."
"How would it make you a bad person? Women get abortions all the
"I know but," I closed my eyes and covered them with my hands.
"I still felt bad. And…" I took my hands down and looked to him. "if I kept it, I knew I wasn't going to be ready. I'm not ready to be a mother, Justin. And I would never bring a kid into this world with it being so fucked up like it is."
"You mean with people like Brian, and Joshua out there?"
And Lukas's uncle.
"I can't have what happened to me, happen to my baby. I will never allow it. I don't even want to think about it. I can't. I can't be a mother. I just can't."
Justin shrugs. "And there is nothing wrong with that. You and Kary moved too fast and shit just happened. Shit always happens, Peyton."
"But what if things can't go back to normal after this? I mean,
what if this changes everything? Me, him?"
"Fate is fate, Peyton, whatever happens is just going to happen."
The door opens and my dad walks in.
I sit up.
"Are you okay, hon?"
"I'm fine. I just want to know when I can get out of here."
"The doctor just needs you to sign some papers. They'll give you pain medication and you can just go home."
"Great." I said dryly.
I did want to go home but the worst thing about it is that I knew Lukas wouldn't be there.
I laid in my bed, underneath my covers. The doctor told me I needed rest after the procedure so I listened to her.
I was only half asleep.
I suddenly feel the covers rise from the foot of the bed and
someone slip in with me.
I opened my eyes as Lukas covers my body.
He's shamelessly naked, his green eyes looking down into mine.
"I missed you." I whispered.
His thumb traces over my bottom lip. Even the tiniest touch makes me wet.
My fingers dive into the softness of his chocolate brown hair. It feels so silky beneath my fingers and I missed that.
My hands slide down his body, just to feel him, to make sure that
he was real, and he felt very real beneath my touch. I felt every
muscle, every crevice of him. Our lips touched and I felt like I
was falling in love all over again.
I knew it was all real. I knew he was real. And this kiss was real.
I sat up in bed and forced the covers from my head. My eyes adjust, and I look around the room for him. But he's not here.
I could have sworn I just felt him. He was on top of me and I felt his warm body. It was so real, it couldn't have been a dream.
But I was alone. In bed.
I brought my knees up to my chin as my eyes watered.
God, I thought I was done.
Damnit, I don't think I could even fucking cry anymore.
But I missed him so much, it made my heart hurt.
I wanted to call him and hear his voice. His voice would be all I
need to get back on track.
I reached over and grabbed my phone from the nightstand and stared at the screen.
I slid my thumb across the lock and the big fancy letters read close to nine.
I knew if we'd talk, he'd talk me into coming back to him, and I
was not ready for that. Physically or emotionally. I put my phone
down and hugged my knees.
I rocked back and forth and shut my eyes.
Shrewster warned me, but I didn't want to listen. We knew we were
going too fast, but we didn't care. We were so wrapped up in our
sex and our love for one another that we blocked the bad shit
from entering our relationship. But the second Joshua found me,
everything came crashing down, like a body of water bombarding
into a tiny room, filling it with darkness and ugliness…and
drowning it. That's what I felt when I thought about our
And I wanted things to be okay. I wanted us to make up and do what makes the both of us happy, have bed-breaking, toe curling make up sex. But it's not going to work this time. And it's not going to fix anything.