~Chapter 16: He's not even worth it
After a long night of getting pounded into his bed, I was sore as I was dropped off at home.
As I opened my door, I saw Justin sitting on the couch, a brand new laptop resting on the coffee table.
I locked the door as he looked to me. "Hey, you look tired."
I grinned lazily. "New laptop?"
I studied the silver, bluish top of the laptop and noticed the
trademark 'E' logo. It was an Element laptop.
"This laptop is brand new. Really fucking new. How much was it?"
I dropped my purse and grabbed the box. Over a thousand dollars.
"A thousand dollars?"
"Hey, blame your boyfriend for the high price. It has a 3D camera, Peyton."
I rolled my eyes. "You have fun with that."
I walked to my room and took all my clothes off before taking a
shower, to wash Kary and the smell of his cologne off of me. But
I missed it the second that I did.
I grabbed a pair of panties and a big t-shirt and put them on afterwards.
I laid in my bed and flicked through the channels on my TV, carelessly, waiting to fall asleep.
"Look at me," My stepfather glared at me as I looked at him
through teary eyes.
"You scream, you're dead, got it?" He asked.
I just stared at him.
He sighed, irritation on his face as he grabbed my arm tightly, as I whimpered. I looked at him, hatred in my eyes as I felt the apprehension.
He grabbed the hairbrush and turned the handle towards me. "Stick
this up your pussy, Peyton."
I looked at the brush handle and shook my head.
He leaned closer as my tears streaked my face.
"I want my mommy." I whispered.
He shakes his head. "Your mommy's not here. And even if she was,
what the fuck is she going to do?" He asked.
I look back down to the brush handle and shake my head. "No." I sniffed.
He narrowed his eyes at me. He put out his cigar on the ash tray on the wooden coffee table and looked to me. "If you don't do it, I'm going to do it." He threatens.
I look back to the brush. "I can't do it. I can't."
He chuckles. "You can't do it? You're not even a virgin anymore, Peyton, You just stick it up there."
I looked to the floor.
He had a tight hold to my arm and I couldn't run. If I ran, he'd catch me, and he'd do bad things to me.
So many bad things, worst than what he's been doing to me at night time when mommy went to sleep.
"If you don't jam it up there, I'll fucking do it.
I sat up, panting hard. Fuck. It was just a nightmare. It didn't make me cry, it just took me back to the old house I lived in.
With him and my mother.
The house always smelled like wood or pine.
My mother almost never cooked, I had to feed myself whenever my step dad would let me.
There were times he enjoyed depriving me from food for days….and as I stroll down memory lane, that's when the tears came. It was hell crying every time I had a nightmare or thought about him, or my mother. I could hardly remember what my mother looked like. I could hardly care.
Now, I care about how Lukas thinks. I think it was time he's known about this. About me.
I grab my phone and dial his cell number.
After two rings, he picks up. "Kary." He answers.
"It's me. We need to talk tonight." I say.
"Did something happen?" He asked.
"No. It's just something you need to know. Before we get in too
"It's a little late for that, Peyton but if you want to talk, we will. I'll pick you up after work."
I was already stuck with what he just said about already being in too deep but I gathered myself. "Okay. Goodbye."
"Goodbye, love." We hang up at the same time and I throw my phone down. Now he has to know and now he's going to look at me in a different way. Now he's going to know that my body was used and abused in literally everyway possible.
"How's my girl?" My dad asked over the phone.
"Good. My job's good. I took up editor instead of publisher."
"Are you getting paid a good salary?"
"Yeah. How are you?"
"How's you and Kary?"
"Why are you changing the subject and what makes you think anything is going on with me and Kary?"
"Because he was a little more happy, and interested than usual."
That makes one of us. I was happy coming from his apartment this morning until I made the decision to get the truth off of my chest.
"I'm going to tell him. I'm going to tell him about when I lived with mom and Brian."
My dad was quiet over the other line for a long time.
I took my phone from my ear to look at it. It showed my dad was still on the line. I put my phone back to my ear. "Look dad, me and Kary are dating and he needs to know this. I don't want to hold it in."
"Hon, its just that you haven't been seeing Kary long and you're planning on telling him this secret it took you forever to lock up."
"I feel worst about keeping it from him than telling him."
I hear my dad sigh. "And what if he breaks up with you? You'd have told your secret for nothing."
I roll my eyes. "He's in this as deep as I am, dad. Kary wants this and I need to tell him." If I didn't, I had a feeling that our relationship wouldn't grow or move forward. How could it move forward when we kept secrets from one another?
It was fast to reveal this, and maybe stupid because my dad had a point. If I tell this to him and we break up suddenly, I would have revealed the darkest part of myself and it was completely pointless.
"Honey, I see how Kary is, this may not be the smartest thing to
"Was the smartest thing for you to do was to hand me off to my mother and Brian? You yourself didn't have a good feeling about the man but you handed me off anyway just so you can build up your business that is an epic fail now."
My dad stayed quiet.
This was how I was in my teenage days. I put the blame on my father.
"Peyton if I had known how that man really was, I would have
stopped it all."
I exhale, letting out my trembling breath. "I know you would have, dad."
My dad's guilt was a sword through my heart. "I'm sorry." I whisper.
"It's fine, Peyton. I will call you later."
He hung up on me.
I closed my eyes. Shit.
I do this all the time. I push people away and it bites me in the ass every time.
When Lukas came to pick me up, I was quiet the ride to his
I grew distant, and I didn't want to because it made me a hypocrite.
The more I thought about it, the less ready I felt.
And I felt nervous.
Lukas's hand grabbed mine and I looked to him. "We're almost
I nodded. I wish the limo had broke down. I wish anything had happened so I wouldn't have to do this. He needed to know but I dreaded this.
When we got to his penthouse, he told me to go to the patio while
he grabbed something.
So I did as he said. The patio was beautiful. It stuck out and in the distance, I could see the moon reflecting off the shore of lake Michigan.
I sit down in a lounge chair, watching the moon floating.
It was full and beautiful in the night sky.
I felt jittery in my body and I could not calm down, not while we're about to have this conversation.
My eyes went to the lit candle sitting on the table that's in between my lounge chair and another.
Lukas stepped out onto the patio with me with two glasses of white wine in his hands. I wanted to know what he was thinking about. Is he as nervous as I am? Is he going to be disgusted once he knows? Will he ever look at me the same way?
My step dad, Brian, was the first man that has had me, but I want Lukas to be the last man to have me. Will he still consider my body as his when I tell him everything? Will he push me away?
Lukas held out a glass to me and I took into my hands and sipped
on it to stall.
Lukas leaned against the railing of the patio balcony, watching me as he took sips out of his glass.
When I felt like I had enough, I put my glass down and looked to the floor of the patio. I didn't want to say it. It took me years to admit it to myself. I didn't want to tell this to Lukas.
I met his eyes and the second I did, I feel my eyes water up.
He shakes his head. "No, Peyton."
I hold back my tears and take a deep breath trying to calm myself and not cry.
I could never tell the story without crying but I'll try not to. You'd think all these years I'd be over it. I wasn't. I'll never be.
"Okay…when I was three, my mom left me and my dad because she wanted to finish designer school. She was gone for seven years before she came back and demanded custody for me. My dad fought, but she fought harder and plus my dad couldn't get on with his, then popular, business because he always had to be home to take care of me, so he let her take me." My eyes wandered off of him to the buildings surrounding his patio.
"When I moved in with my mother to Lexington, illinois, I was surprised to find that she got married. His name was Brian. We didn't get along. At all. He just didn't like me for no reason," I looked to Lukas then. "I never did anything and he just couldn't stand me." I waited to gather my strength of how to say what I needed to. When I did, I made sure I didn't shy from his eyes. "One night, while my mother was sleeping, he-"
I shake my head. "Shut up. Let me say it."
Lukas's breaths are shaky, as shaky as mine are. I can hear them.
"He made me give him oral sex. And after that he took my virginity and he anally raped me."
Lukas let go of his glass. It slammed to the floor in broken
pieces as he balled his fists up.
As much as I tried to stop my tears, they wouldn't stop. They came down anyway. "Lukas,"
He didn't answer me. He turned away from me.
He did the opposite of what I wanted.
I sniffed as I wiped my tears away with the palm of my hand.
"Lukas," My voice cracks.
"For how long?" He asks. I can't tell how he's taking it in but he sounds normal.
"Two years." I answer.
When he turns back around, he's glaring down at the floor. "Did your mother know?" I can hear it. The anger. The disgust in his voice.
"She pretended like she didn't. But I know she heard me screaming for her all the time. But she just stayed in bed."
Lukas stays quiet, still not looking at me.
I decide to finish my story because its not over. "He would put stuff in me and just laugh whenever I cried. He'd force me to hold my pee for long periods of time until I couldn't take it anymore. And he'd lock me in my room for days with no food. No anything. And my mother…my mother wouldn't say anything. She wouldn't-" More tears coated my eyes as I looked away from Lukas.
I couldn't look at him.
"What's his whole name?" He asked.
I looked to him and he was glaring at me. "Why?" I asked.
"What's his whole name, Peyton? Brian what?" He never held so
much acid in his tone. It almost scared me.
"What are you going to do?"
He didn't answer me.
"Lukas, do not fight my battles. Ever. It was my shit. And its in
Lukas shakes his head. "Now that you told me, that shit will never be in the past." He says.
"Lukas, listen to me. I told you because you needed the truth and only the truth. I told you because I give a shit enough to tell you my secrets." I sniffed and wiped my eyes.
Lukas kicks the glass he drops hard and kept his eyes on mine.
"It's not over, Peyton."
"Yes it is. My dad got custody of me at twelve. Brian has been out of my life for eleven years. We don't have to talk about him anymore."
He chuckled without humor. "Do you think, eleven years changes anything? At all? Do you think that he's sorry for what he did? Do you think he'd apologize to you if he saw you again?"
"I know he wouldn't." I choked out.
"And do you think that just because he did this eleven years ago, means if I saw him, that I wouldn't kill him?"
Neither of us spoke after he said those words.
I just stared at him and apprehension crept through my spine. And I never felt apprehension when I was with Lukas. Never. "I don't want you to get hurt because you're hurting him for me."
He tilted his head. "You don't make that decision." He walked
from the patio and away from me and I looked at the glass that he
That's how I felt. Dropped. Broken.
I stood from my lounge chair and searched for Lukas. I found him
in his bedroom. I opened the door and slammed it shut.
He was sitting on his bed, on his laptop.
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Whatever I want." He answers.
"Tell me you're not looking for him."
"Then I won't tell you." His eyes are focused hard on the screen.
"Lukas, look at me."
He goes on concentrating on his laptop.
I walk over, slam the top shut and move it aside. "LOOK AT ME!" I scream.
Finally, he's staring into my eyes. And I see his are angry, angry and watery.
I shake my head. "He's not worth it." I whispered.
"Peyton, it doesn't matter what you say. I am going to find him and I am going to hurt him." He doesn't break eye contact from me.
"Don't do this." I beg.
Lukas grips the edge of the bed.
I step between his legs. I grab his face with my hands and make him look up at me. "It's just us. It's not Jackie. It's not Brian. It's just you and me, Lukas."
Lukas's hands rest on my arms.
There's nothing more I can say. All the energy has been drained from my body. I can hardly stand to keep my eyes open.
I lean my forehead down to his and shut my eyes.
Lukas's hands move to my waist. "I'm sorry, Peyton." He whispers
as I began crying again. The tears fall down my cheeks and then
fall to his.
He held me, my forehead to his as I cried. I never felt more calmer and more free than at this moment. Free that he knows the truth. He knows the darkest thing about me.
Lukas pulls me onto the bed by my waist as lays me down.
He lays down with me.
My face is buried into his chest as his fingers stroke my hair.
And I let go. It's been so long since I actually cried about this and someone was next to me, soothing me. And this someone was so protective over me, that he was even hell bent on finding Brian himself and hurting him.
I closed my eyes, sniffling. The last thing I wanted at the
moment was to let go of Lukas. Let go of the man that I am in
I couldn't. He was the only thing at this moment that I needed to hold on to.
Together, tangled in each other we were, not wanting to let
He held me tightly to him as I did to his body.
My tears hadn't dried and I knew it's be this way all night. I didn't mind it. I needed to let this out and Lukas needed to see it.