~Chapter 13:Worth your love
Work was a handful. Although my boss, Ian, was explaining where everything is and how everything works, I could barely listen because I was too distracted the entire day because of Lukas.
I guess there will be no more getting head from him on my way to work.
Or probably ever if he doesn't stop pushing me away.
Despite me fucking Lukas not too long after we met, I don't normally do that. I am more of a tease and decided the man I get married to will be the only man I would have sex with for now on, but things changed.
Lukas Kary came along.
Six came around and Ian insisted on walking me out. He was 5 "11"
with black wavy hair that went to his shoulders and brown
He was thirty nine and married to a woman name Anne.
I liked him. He was funny and he made sure I had everything I needed throughout the day.
We walked out of the building through the glass double
"How'd you like your first day?"
"Oh it was fun. Thank you for the opportunity. I won't let you down, sir."
"Ian. Come on. I don't actually make people call me 'sir' of 'Mr. Milton'. I'm not that old yet."
I chuckled. "Well Ian then."
The black limo pulled up to the curb and my mood changed completely.
Ian tilted his head in curiosity.
The limo stopped and David got out of the driver's side.
He came around to the other side and opened the back door for me.
"David, I told Lukas that Justin was going to pick me up."
David looked anxious. "Well Mr. Kary called Justin and told him that I'd be picking you up."
My eyes narrowed. "What? He called my best friend and-"
"Is everything alright?" Ian asked.
I looked to him. "No. It's not," I looked back to David. "Look. I don't want to put you in this because you really don't deserve it but there's a reason I didn't want to be picked up by you. Tell him I'm calling Justin to bring me home."
"Mr. Kary insisted-"
"I don't care what he insisted."
Ian patted my shoulder. "I'll see you in work tomorrow." He said and walked away, seeing this was a personal situation.
I kept staring at David who was pleading with his eyes. "Mr. Kary
asked me that I pick you up. I'm just doing my job, Ms. Moyer."
His job. He's right. He was just taking orders. And I was being a bitch….with reason.
"Are you going to take me home?" I asked.
"Fine." I slid into the limousine and David shut the door.
I didn't want to be in here but I didn't want David to be in trouble because I was being a bitch.
He got into the driver's side and shut his door and started pulling away from my job.
I stared blankly out the window. I just couldn't wait to get home
and soak in my bathtub. I leaned my head against the
"Yes?" He asks.
"Is…Lukas…what do you really know about him? Is he good…or bad?" I asked.
"Well, everyone has their own opinion about him. I been his driver for seven years and I see he's a good man. He's well educated, very charismatic. He knows how to make people feel good, I noticed. That's why so many people are drawn to him."
"I noticed." I muttered.
"Why ask me? Why not ask him?"
I shrugged. "I don't know if he'd tell the truth, honestly."
"He's a truthful man. Well from what I've seen, he is."
"How do I know you're not just saying this?"
"I have no reason to lie, Ms. Moyer. Yes, my loyalty is with Mr. Kary but, I don't lie about people."
He sounded like he was telling the truth.
I continued staring out the window until the limo stopped in
front of Kary Enterprises.
Oh, you are shitting me. "I thought you were taking me home."
"Yes, but Mr. Kary asked me to get him first."
"Of course he did." I muttered.
I wait for two minutes before I see him walking out of his
building. Not alone. A woman was with him and she looked very
I tongued the inside of my cheek, jealousy immediately taking over.
I'm willing to bet he probably fucked her in the past.
The woman was beautiful. Long blonde hair, bright blue eyes and
skinny as a stick.
She looked a little too comfortable with him.
As they made it to the limo he turned to tell her something before David opened the door.
She immediately peeked in and smiled at me. "Hi."
I just stared at her.
"Hi." I snapped.
Her smile disappeared a little. She looked to Lukas. "I'll see
you tomorrow." She touched his arm.
He nodded and got into the limo. David shut the door and the woman walked to the car behind us.
Kary said nothing to me.
David got back into the car and started down the road again.
Here we go again.
"Are you still angry with me?" He asked.
I chuckled without humor. "You were the one who was mad this morning. And who was that? Was that your ex, Jackie?"
Kary looks to me. "No. And don't mention Jackie. Ever."
"Then who was she and why not?"
"Because Jackie is none of your business."
"But its your business to call my friend and tell him not to pick me up? You had no fucking right to do that."
"You were acting immature, Peyton."
"Because you shut down. You think I'd want to be in a limo with someone who shuts down after their done giving me head?"
Kary doesn't say anything.
"And if your ex is so important, why don't you just go and fuck her?"
Lukas glared at me. I hit a nerve. I can tell. Lukas didn't say another word to me the whole ride.
The car stopped in front of my apartment.
I opened the door myself and turned to look at him. "Don't call me anymore. I'm done." I slam the car door shut and walk to my apartment.
When I made it to my door, I unlocked it and walked in. I slammed
the door shut and threw my purse down.
I slid my heels off and leaned against my door.
I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. I think I should hit the gym. That'll distract me.
I left Justin a note telling him where I'd be if he needed me and
I changed into my gym clothes.
I left out and arrived there within ten minutes.
Only a couple people were here and I was glad. I wasn't in the mood to be surrounded by too many people when I was in such a fucked-up state.
I first started off on the treadmill on speed eight.
When I was done with that, I got on the exercise bike.
I didn't notice that a couple of guys were watching me as I rode.
I glanced over at two, and a blonde and a brunette winked at
I looked away and continued to concentrate on what I was doing.
That voice. It wasn't Lukas.
I slowed down and turned around. Ben.
He smiled at me. "Hey." He leaned against the bike.
"I didn't know you came here."
"Oh. Yeah I do when I need to get steam off and…shit like that."
He grinned. "Yeah I know what you mean. Those guys over there," He motioned with his head at the two men that winked at me, "Don't worry about them."
"Oh I wasn't."
I reached down and took a swig of my water bottle.
"You look hot."
I put my water bottle back down and nodded. "Thank you."
"So, how's you and Kary?"
"There is no 'me and Kary'."
Ben nodded. "Real-ly?" He said slowly.
"Well then I have another shot."
I chuckled. "Ben,"
"What? Come on. You didn't give me a shot at the party because you and Kary were all over each other in the bathroom."
My eyes widened. "How'd you know about that?"
"Dana said she saw you and him enter the bathroom, looking
irritated and exited looking more than a little happy."
I rolled my eyes. "Dana needs to mind her business."
Ben nods. "She does, but really, lets go out to eat or
"I don't think it's a good idea. And its not personal, seriously, Ben. You seem like a great guy but, for now, I just rather be alone. I'm not in the 'dating' type of phase. I rather just focus on work, honestly."
Ben sighs. "Yeah, I hear you."
"Thanks for understanding."
He nods. "Sure. Maybe I'll stop by some time and visit you and Justin."
I nod. "Sure."
He sends me a smile before walking away from me.
Ben was a good looking guy with short, smooth messy hair and
light brown eyes. He was fit and would definitely have been my
ideal man. Would have.
Thing about Ben is that I know exactly what he wants. He's the type of guy who would pretend that he likes you and would do anything to convince you of that. He would do this all so he can fuck you. But he's so good at disguising it, you'd mistake it as him being kind and sweet. He almost had me fooled at the party. Now I see through him. I see through him perfectly. He doesn't care about me. And he'll never have me.
After the bicycle, I went to the punching bag. That would
definitely get stress off. My punches were getting harder and
One of the things my dad made me do after I got back into his custody, was take a self-defense class.
When dad learned about what my step dad did, it drove him crazy. He was protective but he was sure to still give me my space because I entered a rebellious and depressed stage.
There were times when I lashed out at him because I was so angry
at the fucking world. I got in with a bad crowd and I regretted
But as I grew up, I took more responsibility and I apologized to my dad for all the crazy shit I done.
And I learned from my mistakes.
After the gym, I got back home and Justin was there.
"Hey." He said as I closed the door.
His eyebrows furrowed. "Are you okay? You look a little
"I am. I just need a shower and I'll be fine."
"I was planning on cooking."
"You…cook?" I asked. Justin and the word 'cook' shouldn't even be
in the same sentence.
He gives me a wry smile. "It's only hamburgers and french fries."
I nod. "Alright. Don't burn my hamburger like last time."
"You got it. Hey, what happened with Kary? I thought he was
supposed to be picking you up."
"Enough said." Justin says as he goes to the kitchen.
I go to the bathroom and strip down.
I make my water, get into my tub and relax.
I lay my head back and close my eyes.
I didn't want to think about him but I couldn't help it. I ended it out of rage. Out of jealousy.
And I wanted to call him and apologize for being immature. But then again, maybe this is for the best. We were both damaged people with fucked-up pasts. Neither of us trust the other and neither of us want to get too deep into the other. Yet its already happened for me.
I wanted him, and I couldn't have him in the way I wanted.
Jackie. I didn't know much about Jackie. I just read that she was
his ex and he seemed defensive about her. Very defensive. If she
was his ex, and he still cared for her, why didn't he just go to
her? Why did he come to me and do all this? Was I just a way at
getting back at her because maybe she hurt him in the past?
I didn't know, and now I'll never know.
I was laying in my bed, no more than ten years old. I could hear
the sound of his footsteps but I kept my eyes closed, shut tight
and pretended to be sleep.
I hear the twisted creak of my door as it opens.
I hear it close.
My heart begins to beat painfully hard as already my eyes water because I know what's about to happen.
I feel the covers being pulled off of me and suddenly, he's on top of me, lifting my nightgown up and I can't fight him. He's too heavy and too strong.
He held my hands down on the pillow and threatened me if I screamed.
He forced my clothes off and shoved himself in me.
It was so painful, I could hardly breathe. And against his threats, I cried and screamed.
A hand grabbed my arm tightly and I screamed and sat up, fighting whoever had a hold to my arm.
"Peyton! It's Justin! It's me!"
He grabbed both of my arms trying to calm me down.
When I realized it was only a nightmare, I stopped fighting
I could feel my tears streaking my cheeks.
"It's okay. It was just a nightmare."
I covered my face with my hands.
Justin sat on the bed with me and rubbed my back soothingly. "Just a nightmare." He repeated.
I leaned over and laid on his shoulder and he wrapped his arms around me.
It was just a nightmare. One that will stick with me for the rest of my life.
Dr. Shrewster watched me from across the room. This morning he
was dressed in a gray sweater and black slacks. His eyes were
focused on me and he was waiting for me to say something.
I was staring out of the window. I had nothing to say.
I didn't answer.
I slowly looked to him.
"Talk to me."
"What do you want to know, Shrewster?"
"Why do you seem so down?"
"The nightmares started again."
His eyebrow raised. "Started again?"
I never told him about the night Lukas spent the night, so I filled him in the night Lukas slept in my bed with me and both of us slept the night through without any disruptions.
Afterwards, Shrewster seemed curious. "Lukas. Let's talk about him."
"Why do you force me to talk about him?"
"He seems to have some kind of effect on you."
"He's a damaged person, Shrewster. Just like me."
"Is that what drew you to him?"
"What drew you in?"
"When we met, it was just this immediate thing. I wanted him and
he wanted me."
"Sex is what drew you in."
I shrugged. "Basically."
"The only reason you feel attached to him is because of the
"It's a little deeper than that now."
"Are you in love with him, Peyton?"
"It's too soon to talk about love and how can I love a man who grows distant towards me out of nowhere and then claims its my fault?"
"Why does he grow distant?"
"Good fucking question. I can't answer that."
"It was after the first time we had sex, after we left his
charity function, and in his limo three days ago."
"Well what happened in the limo?"
"Stuff." I answered.
"Were you having sex in the limo?"
"So when you engage in sexual activity, afterwards, he grows apart from you and you feel used."
"You think he has a terrible past like you have."
"I know he does. He said he had bad history with New York city and Manhattan. So I think there is more than one thing he has nightmares about and whatever it is, its keeping him completely emotionless."
"He won't talk about it."
"Right." I nod.
"I'm going to let you know something, Peyton. Men are not as open about their feelings as women are. If something happens to a man that is very traumatizing, they are not quick to let anyone know. Not even their parents or a doctor. And if that traumatizing event is sexual abuse, odds are, they'll never tell. When a man has been sexually abused in the past, they refrain from telling anyone because they feel its too embarrassing, and it makes them feel weak, and powerless."
I shake my head. "Stop talking, Dr. Shrewster."
"Because I don't want to think the possibility that what happened to me, happened to him. I don't. So please stop talking about it."
"You want him to open up because regardless of your anger at him, you care about him. Which is rare. You said yourself you don't give in to guys too easily. The only people you seemed to care about was Justin and your father. And now you've made room for him. And now that you have, you feel like he owes you."
"God, its like you read from my brain."
He smiles. "I've known you for thirteen years, Peyton."
"So what do I do? About him?"
"What do you want to do?"
"I don't know."
"If you were to be with him, do you feel that your relationship
would be based off of emotions, or sex?"
I hesitated to answer that question. I didn't know.
"Let me rephrase. Do you want your relationship to be based off
of emotions or sex?"
"Both." I answered.
He nods. "In other words, you're either going to work at building a romantic relationship with him or you give up on him and find someone worth it. Someone worth your love. Is Lukas Kary worth your love, Peyton?"