Chapter 4: Waking up
My vision was blurry as my eyes opened. The room was way too bright. It hurted my eyes.
I shut my eyes again and swallowed. My throat was dry. Very dry.
And once again, I felt like I couldn't breathe.
I tried to open my eyes again but the whiteness of the room was burning my eyes. Making them water and burn.
"Turn the lights off…please." I whispered.
"I can't do that, dear." Said a warm voice. I can hear the taps of shoes hitting the floor and my eyes flew open.
I sat up fast. Much too fast and looked down at myself. I was wearing a white paper gown, with blue lines going across it.
A white knit sheet covering my body.
Then I looked back up at a woman. Brown hair, brown eyes….pale skin.
"Hi." She said and smiled warmly.
I was trying to wrap my head around this. Around all of this. I never thought I was going to see another person again.
I even thought I was dead. I felt like I was dead. "How long was I out?"
My eyes grew wide. The last thing I remember….the last thing I remember….seeing my half brother, Danny. He was trying to get me to calm down but I was in so much pain….so much pain.
And that's when it hit hard…..that fear of that hole. I remember everything.
Everything that happened.
I remember the panic as that lid was shut. Panic as the box was dropped to the bottom of that hole. Panic when I heard dirt being shoveled onto it. And I remember calling for….My Dad.
I remember the rape….Harper.
MY DAD and HARPER did this to me.
Even thinking their name gave me chills.
I swallowed. "Can you…give me some water, please?" I asked.
The nurse nodded and disappeared out of the room.
I looked around and swallowed. I could feel the deep dryness in my throat and I was suddenly reminded of being in that hole. The feeling was so deep, I felt tears well up.
That feeling of hopelessness and helplessness returning from that night.
That night that I wanted to keep hidden.
The night I should tell no one about. No one really knows except for…wait…how did he find me? How did Danny find me and get me out?
Did he even? Or is this just a dream and I'm back in that hole?
The thought makes me panic and I lay back in my bed.
I stare up at the ceiling, measuring my breathing.
I can't panic.
I'm scared but I refuse to cry anymore because of that. The event will just stick with me and I'd never be able to get over it.
Can I ever get over something like that?
Is that possible?
Or will it take a lot of alcohol and therapy?
I think it may take a little of both…or a lot. Either way, I'm willing to try both.
The nurse come back in with a white cup in her hand and I sit up and reach out for the cup but stop as I get a glimpse of my arms.
I just stare down at the dark scars.
I can forget all I want…but these…these scars will always remind me. Always.
I was tempted to get up and look at the rest of me.
Will I be able to handle it?
I pushed the water away and got to my feet.
"Miss, you really don't want to do that." The nurse said.
I turned to glare at her. "Isn't it my body?" I asked.
She kept quiet.
"Alright then. I have a right." I said.
She kept quiet and sat my water down on a table by my bed.
I walked forward, and she followed me as I made my way to the bathroom. There was a tall mirror in the corner and I slowly walked to it, the nurse still following after me.
When I came face to face with it, I didn't show any emotion. Slashes, deep and noticeable went across my my arms, my legs.
They were deep and couldn't go away.
I lifted my dress and found more slashed across my thighs. And even more on my stomach., running across my breasts.
I was ugly.
My body was ugly.
And there was nothing I could do about it.
"The worst is the back." The nurse whispered.
I turned around and lifted my gown and looked at my back through the mirror.
She was right. It was the worst. The very worst. I could barely look at it. It had what looked like slashed in-initials in it. T and H. A reminder that it was them.
I pulled my dress back down. And looked to the nurse. "Pregnanacy test?"
"We did one and it came back negative."
I nodded and looked back in the mirror.
My marks can be covered by clothes. I don't even remember what season this is.
"What's the month?" I asked.
"January, dear." She said.
"When can I leave?"
"Well we're not sure you're in the condition to leave."
"We're still running through test and they could take a while. We also did a rape kit and it appears that…"
"I know what happened to me." I said.
The nurse nodded. "No one has ever gotten the whole story. A month ago, some guy came and dropped you off here like you were no more than a piece of garbage."
"That was my half brother."
"We've been trying to find him but…no success."
"I know where he is." I said and turned to look back at her. "Can you do me a favor and talk to the doctor and ask him when I can be released?" I asked.
She nodded and exited the room.
I went back into the room with the bed in it and I sat down on the bed.
I had this sick feeling in my stomach, in my throat…in my heart. I couldn't explain. Like this sudden power of adrenaline or something…but it was more than that. It had me thinking.
My mind rested on this really sick thought.
Could I go through with it? I don't care.
Kill my dad and Harper?
Will I have the guts?
They had the guts to do what they did. I should be able to do it in return.
I sound crazy…but I'll stash the thought in case I may go through with it because it was definitely on the edge of my mind.
I had so much hatred in my body for them.
And now, every time I look down at the scars, permanently left on my skin, I'll think about them. And how they'd be laughing right now as they think I'm dead. But I'm not…I'm not dead. I was saved.
Saved and given a chance. A chance to get revenge.
A man, tall and dressed in black and white walked in. He had a clip board in his hand. "Hi." He said.
I gave him a fake smile as a woman walked in. She was dressed in peach and brown.
The man looked to me, I could tell he was trying to keep his eyes off of my scars.
"Hi, I'm DR. Lamborg. Nurse Lindsey told me that you want to be released."
"We can't do that. We're running test for signs of any serious diseases and you should speak to the specialist." He looked to the woman standing next to him.
"Didn't you have a month to run tests on me?"
"Yes but you're awake now. Test will be more effective."
"Do you have a estimation of when I can leave?"
He nodded. "Now, I'll leave you with Brenda. She's an excellent woman and therapist." He walked out and I stared after him and then looked to Brenda.
Her eyes were on my scars as she pulled a chair up and sat down. "What's your name?"
"It doesn't matter. I just wanna go." I whispered.
She tilted her had to the side. "You can't leave until we know what's wrong….nobody at the hospital know anything about what happened to you except that you were raped…and pregnant."
My eyes widened as this feeling, this heart wrenching feeling crashed down on me. I was…pregnant?
I shook my head. "No. The nurse told me that they did a test on me and it was negative."
"That's not the story I heard."
I wanted to kill that bitch that lied to me.
Why would she lie and tell me that I was never pregnant? That was illegal.
"I didn't know." I whispered.
This means that Harper impregnated me that night.
"You miscarried that same month." She said.
I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.
"Can I be alone? I need some time to think." I whispered.
She shrugged. "I've gotten five other appointments after this and this is the only time I can see you. So tell me what happened." She said as she crossed her leg.
I gave her a look. She wants to know what happens? Fine. "Johnny Depp came to pick me up and I sucked him off and afterwards, he threw me out of his car, down a hill and I fell into a hole. That's what happened. Can I go now?" I asked.
Brenda stared at me looking annoyed. "Fine. Don't say anything. But It's not healthy keeping it bottled in."
"Not healthy telling a stranger who can't do anything about it either, is it?"
"I can help you." She said.
I glared at her. Help. HELP. That's what I wanted that night. Help. "No one can help me." I said.
She swallowed and stood to her feet. "Suit yourself. I can't help anyone who don't want to be helped." Then she turned and walked out.
She was right. She couldn't. I didn't want to be helped.
Not at all.
I had to do this…all by myself.