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James Bond Can Suck It! (An Erotic Spy Spoof Parody)

Novel By: Dante Mendoza
Erotica



The world is in danger! Who is there to save it after its female superspy decides to go rogue and take over? Even the regular criminal syndicate P.E.R.V.E.R.T. is having issues within its ranks with employee turnovers and financial hardships. The only one to save the day is the reluntant virginal nun named Sister Kleetmara "Kleet for short" Orus who is recruited by the spy agency W.H.O.R.E. to stop her estranged evil mother Agent Double D from plunging the world into sexual frigidity. Only she can stop this threat from happening as the superspy Virgin Mara proving to other secret agents out there that James Bond can suck it! Read about it in this hilarious, erotic spy spoof novel! View table of contents...


Chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21

Submitted:Feb 6, 2012    Reads: 752    Comments: 3    Likes: 1   


Prologue

The Kazan Kremlin, Russia

The Kazan Kremlin citadel appeared in the distance standing tall reaching the heavens displaying its many historical buildings, religious churches, and rich architecture. Papiculo Sanchez, a.k.a Agent Dirty Sanchez, hid in the trees outside of the city limits of Kazan discussing the next plan of strategy on the mission to stop the evil organization known as P.E.R.V.E.R.T. Dressed in his Gucci black trousers and Dolce and Gabbana bulletproof vest, the W.H.O.R.E. operative looked the part of the trendiest superspy. He straightened a bit of a stray, dark brown hair of his Latin roots that had been giving him trouble in the reflection of his gun before testing out his communication equipment.

"Testing uno, dos, tres, quatro," the handsome spy called out to his colleague. "Majora, are you there?"

Four trees down from Papiculo, another exotic, ebony goddess dressed in a skintight, black leather catsuit laid in wait. Majora Labia, codename Brown Sugar, patted her chestnut brown weave before answering her mini-walkie. "Yes, I'm here. Dis new weave is still bit tight. Do you tink I should have gone wit da color red? Rhianna is now going red." The Jamaican spy asked her best friend in her charming patois dialect.

"No girl," answered Papiculo. "Besides mami, Rhianna doesn't look as good as choo! I hear she hooked up with that Justin Timberlake. Aye cabron! He bring sexy back!"

The beautiful, ebony goddess giggled. She missed this little gossip tidbits with her BFF since both were busy working for W.H.O.R.E. trying to save the world countless times. She peered through her binoculars. "Dirty Sanchez, why do da Russians call themselves Cumminists? Don't dey enjoy fucking as we do?"

"Mira baby, everybody enjoys fucking," replied Papiculo. "And it's not Cummunists. It's Communist with an O. It basically means the government likes to control everything like a dominatrix telling you what to do. I once dated a Russian, choo know?"

"Really, was he nice?" she asked.

"Si and good in bed porque I had to break it off," he answered. "He was getting too controlling. I prefer to wear the pants in the relationship." Papiculo peered through his high tech binoculars communicating to Brown Sugar for attention. "Majora! Mira! Look!"

Their high tech equipment spotted an agent of P.E.R.V.E.R.T. coming out of the fortresses Soyembika Tower. A hulking masculine figure wearing a frizzed out red wig, bad make-up, an ugly zebra leopard print top, a fuchsia miniskirt, fishnet stockings, and yellow open toed platform shoes pushed a prisoner outside accompanied by two sinister minions. Signaling to his partner, Dirty Sanchez and Brown Sugar jumped out of the trees sneaking up to the walls of the giant citadel finally scaling the fortress concealed by shadowy pillars of the great city. Papiculo held his ear close to a hollow pillar to get a better assessment of the situation.

P.E.R.V.E.R.T. henchman...er henchwoman Larry Lipowitz known as Transgenderella Sheman mercilessly tortured captive scientist Dr. Thomas Peeping in order to gather information for the criminal boss Dr. Abstinence. Her...er his minions were a pair of fraternal German Siamese twins going by the moniker T and A. Dirty Sanchez recognized the name instantly. Tittanica and Asshvig Bratwurst, a sister and brother killing duo, made a name for themselves around the assassin circles of several major criminal organizations.

"Noooo...please...no more! I beg you!" The scientist pleaded. "I'll give you what you want! Just no more torture!"

"I just wanted to show my cute Hello Kitty underwear!" clucked the Transgenderella. Known for flashing his...um her enemies with her...his cute underwear, the pre-op evildoer's actions left a horrible lasting impression on the victim's brains of forcing them to see a chick with a dick. This poor doctor was no exception. Dirty Sanchez took out his gun and prepared to fight.

"Hold it right thereLarry Lipowitz!" announced a gorgeous blonde operative wearing a gray tight leather catsuit somersaulted from behind a Kremlin bronze statue of Ghengis Khan. She pointed her gun at the evildoers. "Larry Lipowitz, aka Transgenderella Sheman! In the name of W.H.O.R.E., we are placing you under arrest for crimes against the world!"

"Debbie Dallas-Orus! Agent Double D! Where did you come from?" hissed the pre-op transexual.

"I was attending a t.a.t.u. concert in Moscow when those pseudo-lesbian popstars tipped me off of a kidnapping going down. I took a taxi here! Oh you owe the cabbie $1000!" The world's superspy informed the P.E.R.V.E.R.T. operative. "I'm not kidding. My cab driver Boris has the meter running Transgenderella, you better pay him or Boris is going to go all Chernobyl on your ass!"

"What!?!" shouted Transgenderella. "You expect me to pay for your cab fare? I'm the evil one here! I'm supposed to cheat and steal from the system. Pay your own damn fare!"

Agent Double D rolled her eyes. "You expect me to pay my own way? I'm the world's number one sexy, super spy! I'm beautiful, intelligent, skilled, deadly, and entitled! Everything is free for me so pay the man!"

"Fuck you!" screeched Transgenderella. She began taunting the operative. "Ooooh look at me! I'm Debbie Dallas-Orus. Agent Double D! I'm beautiful even though I'm really 50 passing off as a 20 year old because plastic surgery and botox helps me achieve that youthful glow! I get everything I want! I'm better than James Bond! Well guess what lady? James Bond is a million times better than you and can kick the shit out of you!"

"James Bond can suck it! He's just got famous because of his films and Ian Fleming novels. He ain't worth shit!" snapped Agent Double D stamping her feet. "I'm really 20 dumbass! Those plastic surgery rumors are not true! Who told you? I bet it was my co-workers from W.H.O.R.E. They were always jealous of me!"

"In chore dreams cabrona!" yelled Papiculo who did a double cartwheel from behind his hidden column. "Choo are a real, egotistical bitch! That is why no one likes choo! Choo think you are better than everybody else." He began waving his finger in Debbie's face. "We are know choo are really 50! We've all seen your birth certificate at work!"

"Dat's right you bitch!" interrupted Majora who also performed a perfect gymnastics routine from her hiding place behind a wall. "You always have to take da glory and make da rest of agents look bad at work! You steal everyone's missions like dis one! We're suppose to stop Transgenderella not you! And another ting. James Bond is a way better spy than you and makes any woman wet and every gay men give up their asses! So there!"

Transgenderella folded her...his arms and laughed. "See looks like even your co-agents hate you! He...she turned to Agent Dirty Sanchez. "Look do you want to fight it out so can I just tell you why I'm kidnapping Dr. Thomas Peeping? I'm trying to schedule my post-op surgery for next week so I need to get out here."

"Congratulations," said Papiculo. "Why don't choo save us all the trouble and tell us what P.E.R.V.E.R.T.'s plans are?"

"Well as you know Dr. Abstinence has this evil idea," explained Transgenderella. "He thinks the world is oversexed and if he can build a powerful ray gun called the Orgazmatron and shoot it into a satellite he can make the world sexually frigid. With the world, sexually repressed and having no outlet for release..."

"Dey'll become pent up with violent tendecies starting world wars, global conflics, and toppling economies," continued Majora. "Da world will plunge into chaos and Dr. Abstinence will take over! Dat fiend!"

"Precisely," said Transgenderella. "Dr. Thomas Peeping here helped build the plans including the components that make up the doomsday machine but they're scattered around the globe. My organization is trying find and locate these pieces for Dr. Abstinence. He offered to pay for my post-op surgery if I helped him so that is why I'm here."

"Oh mami choo should've gone to W.H.O.R.E. instead," said Papiculo. "They fund millions of post-operational gender reassignment surgeries for deserving transgendered personas like choreself! Join our side! We can help choo become the mujer choo were meant to be. Working for the side of good is muy bien!"

Transgenderella placed a hand to her mouth and cried. "Oh that would be wonderful! I would be honored! Yes, I'll join you and provide your organization with what information I know!"

"Wait a minute!" shouted Agent Double D. "I'm a superspy! I'm the one who is suppose to save the day! No one steals my thunder! I've been saving the world for years and this is the thanks I get? Well no more! This time I'm taking over the world. No more Miss Nice Superspy! I'm going to be more evil that P.E.R.V.E.R.T. I'm taking Dr. Peeping with me! Boris!" A burly Russian cabdriver carrying a metal pipe stepped out of his taxi. He looked pissed. "Stop them!"

"I got this one," replied Transgenderella. "T and A, take him out!"

The Geman Siamese duo known as T and A prepared for the on coming attack. Tittanica unbuttoned her shirt to reveal her metal bra containing two missle launchers. Likewise was her brother Asshvig dropping trou reveal his butt cheeks armored with the heavy arsenal of two gatling guns. Tittanica gleefully started first firing two missiles at the Russian cabbie erupting in an explosion of fire and smoke. Assvig followed suit pressing the trigger of his ass cheeks sending a millions around of heavy artillery at the Russian. Shockingly, it did nothing as the Russian taxi driver slowly crept toward them with his latex face peeling off revealing the computerized machine inside.

"Vat ees dat ting?" asked a surprised Tittancia.

"Eets a robot!" screamed Asshvig. "Eets come to kill us! Run fraulein!"

The killer siblings attempted to run on opposite sides forgetting that they were attached to the hip. However it was too late for the Russian android began bashing the German Siamese twins with the metal rod leaving bloody and dead in the middle of the Kremlin square. The W.H.O.R.E. agents watched helpless dodging out of the path of the killing machine as Agent Double D scaled the tower with Dr. Peeping in tow. Agent Brown Sugar managed to elude the robotic taxi driver as she climbed the wall chasing after Debbie Dallas-Orus.

"Stop Double D!" ordered Majora. "You're not taking taking dat scientist anywhere!"

"Just try and stop me Brown Sugar," laughed Agent Double D. She pushed the scientist into the wall knocking him out cold then proceeded to unzip her leather catsuit. Revealing her enormous fake jugs to Majora, she slid the material down to her ankles before pushing her vaginal lips toward the operative. Reaching into the pocket of her suit, she took out three small metal balls out and inserted them into her pussy. Her insides quivered in delight as the cold steel of the balls tickled her membrane lubricating her insides and tingling her clit in the process.

"Mmmm, this is my special trick Brown Sugar," grinned Agent Double D. "It is called the Ping Pong Ball of Death!"

A pop echoed after Agent Double D as the ball shot out of her moist opening toward Brown Sugar. Majora ducked out of its path doing a perfect ten backflip watching the metal ball hit the back wall of the Soyembika Tower imbedding it into the stone cracking its foundation. That was certainly close. Another pop rang out of Debbie's pussy. This time nearly missing Majora's face and taking out a window nearby. Agent Double D looked frustrated.

"Nanny nanny boo boo stick your hand in poo poo," teased Agent Marjora placing a thumb on her nose and wiggling her fingers.

Pissed that she was unable to kill her, Debbie Dallas-Orus aimed her pussy and shot forth the last ball toward Brown Sugar. Majora Labia heard the last pop, dove forward as snatch juice grazed the front of her catsuit lubricating it enough for her to hit the floor and slide forward on the ground finally making contacting with Agent Double D. With her hand closed, Agent Majora performed an upcut to Debbie's nose sending her flying half naked against the wall. Taking out her gun, she pointed it at the traitor.

"Debbie Dallas-Orus," announced Majora. "You are under arrest for treason!"

A wicked smile flashed across Agent Double D's face. "I don't think so." The sound of whirling blades from a helicopter vibrated in the Russian tower. The clang of metal against the wall startled Majora as she looked behind her to see the robot charging at her with the metal pipe. She ducked in time to see Debbie Dallas-Orus escaping on a ladder leading up to the helicopter with an unconscious Dr. Peeping. Yet, the worst was yet to come when she saw the glowing object being clutched in Double D's hand. A detonator. Debbie pushed the button.

The robotic Russan taxi driver exploded inside the tower. Fire, smoke, and gas filled the structure but fortunately Agent Brown Sugar was able to dive off the balcony activate her parachute from her catsuit at that moment and land safely in the center of the Kremlin square. She looked around to see Papiculo and Transgenderella had managed to escape the psychotic android with a few minor scrapes and bumps.

"What happened? Que paso?" asked her co-agent.

"She got away! Dat bitch!" griped Majora.

"Well with the information I provide for W.H.O.R.E. I'm sure we will stop her," said Transgenderella.

"We better call our leader and tell her Agent Double D went rogue," added Papiculo. "Aunt Flow isn't going to be happy."

"She is never is 28 days out of the year," commented Majora.

And she was right.

 

 

 

 

 

 





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