Days had passed since Leo shot himself in my driveway and I felt horrible. Dreams, Nightmares, and memories haunted me every moment of every day. I searched the internet trying to find something, a memorial, a funeral, something where I could go and speak with his family. Eventually through all my digging, I found a memorial in his honor happening 2 states away.
I dressed Elizabeth in a cute little black and white lace dress, and myself in a black dress. I drove hours away just to get some closure in all this. I needed to understand who he was, and why he killed himself like that.
I arrived at the memorial and was surprised to only see a few cars. Maybe I have the wrong address... I held Elizabeth in my arms as I walked into the building and found a sign in sheet for those who attended. I signed both my name and Elizabeth's name to the list. When my eyes left the paper I noticed an older man with glasses staring at me.
"Uhm. Hello." I said trying to be friendly because it was
probably a family member wondering who I was.
"Please apologize me, madam, but is there any chance your name is July?" I was shocked he knew me by name. "Y-Yes, I am July. Are you a family member? I've been trying to get in touch with someone for days since... you know."
"I am Albert Keels. Leonard's psychiatrist. As you might guess, I heard a lot about you. Well, he had an obsession for you, but I guess you already know about it." I didn't know how to react. How much had he told him?
"What did he tell you?" I pulled Elizabeth closer to myself as we walked over to a little table to sit and talk.
He took a long breath. "Okaaay. Let me start. I have been a psychiatrist for long years. During this time, I have observed a significant difference between the patients who has really only fantasized committing a crime and the ones who has really committed it. Leo talked about a series of heinous crimes he fantasized, those he feels enormous grief for fantasizing. I guess you know what I am talking about..." I glanced down at the table in shame. "That he raped me?"
"Yes... Rape and blackmail during the cruise."
He stopped talking for a while, he was looking at the table between us, ashamed with the crimes that his patients had committed. "He never admitted he was a criminal, but I knew he was. He claimed he didn't ever see or stalk you after those incidents, but talking with him made it obvious that he knows things he would never know if he didn't do those things." I nodded my head as he spoke. "He did come to visit me. Twice. Once while I was pregnant with Elizabeth, and then... before he killed himself."
"I wish I could stop him. That's all my fault, not only I failed to treat Leo, but I didn't send him to asylum. I really thought he was getting better... It's still my fault if he did harm you... or your baby... I didn't know you were a mother, though. Leo never talked about you having a relationship with another man... He only talked about an imaginary baby, Elizabeth Marie, whose father is him." I gave you a weak smile.
"There isn't any other man... Leo is the father. This is Elizabeth Marie..." I watched as you connected the dots in your mind. " Oh wait a moment.... Oh God! How could I be so stupid??! I am an idiot! She exists, too! I didn't think you would keep his baby." I took a deep breath.
"I kept the baby because... I knew I wouldn't be able to give
my child away. I never really considered abortion, how could I
ever have children in the future, knowing that one of them
would be forever missing from my life? It wasn't Elizabeth's
fault that she is here, it was Leo's."
Keels took a deep breath. "He said he kept fantasizing a family consisted of you and Elizabeth Marie. That was a different kind of fantasy. I haven't spotted any trace of reality in those daydreams, like I spotted in the ones that took at the cruise. It was a desperate one, he wanted to be a sane husband and father, loved and forgiven by you. But he had no hope he would ever be forgiven." I shook my head. "Some things are unforgivable." I felt tears forming in my eyes. I knew Leo had good intentions, but you cannot force someone to love you. He had taken everything away from me, abused me beyond belief, and then hoped that I would accept him as a loving husband and father...
"He had no family. His parents died in an suspicious accident when he was teenager. Leo's parents were wealthy, but Leo's uncle somehow took over the heritage and wasted it all till the time Leo was legally able to touch the money." I thought of the check he gave me, which I had yet to deposit.
"He somehow found the money to attend a university, by working
part-time as bartender or other similar jobs. But he was also
suffering from sudden tantrums; not only how we lost his
family, but from loneliness... He was in love with some girls
at different periods of his life, but none of them were
requited. He had a belief that the girls wouldn't choose him,
because he was too gentle and friendly with them. They would
choose sexually aggressive males over him. He talked about a
Beast that kept whispering to his ears. He believed rape was
the only way to have a baby with a woman he loved."
I shivered at the remembrance of all those rapes. "Well I suppose he succeeded... in one way." I gave Elizabeth a kiss on her forehead. I looked around at the empty room, it was just us three. "Well thank you for telling me all that, I really needed some closure from all this." I got up and walked over to find a paper with his picture. I took it and put it in my purse, half for myself and half for Elizabeth.
5 years later
I was walking with Elizabeth at a park near our new house, a house Leo had paid for. I smiled down at her as we walked, her little blonde curls bouncing with her exaggerated steps. She turned to me and said, "Mommy, who is my dad?" I stopped walking and crouched down beside her. "He is... He was..." I was struggling with what to tell her. I knew it would be the first of many questions about Leo and I didn't want to tell her the truth now, or maybe ever.
"He loves you... He loved you... That's all that matters now." Elizabeth put her tiny hands on my cheeks and frowned at me. "Mommy, are you sad?" I wiped away a tear and kissed her little forehead. "Of course not, Elizabeth. How can I be sad, when I have you." I placed a finger on her nose and she giggled like any 5 year old would. "Okay." Her mind drifted to other things and she ran off to play with the other children there that day.
My mind drifted to Leo. 5 years had passed, but I could still feel his presence. I could still feel my rage at him for what he'd done to me, my guilt for his death, and my confusion.
I pulled out a laminated picture of Leo that I kept in my purse. It is odd when people die and go away how you start to miss them. How many sleepless nights I had with Elizabeth where I wished there was someone else there to help. The nights I spent crying with loneliness as man after man refused to give me chance because I had a child. Yes, it is very odd to miss someone that you never thought you would.
I would also like to invite any of you to 64shadesofgrey.co/
It is a rape fantasy website with a lot more stories, role plays, and discussions. Please come back and make an account! Tell them Shy sent you ;)