*beeep* *beeep *beeep*
At 8:00 AM, I turned the alarm and continued hugging July from behind.
"Time to wake up, Sleeping Beauty...", I whispered in her ear, my face gently brushing along her blonde hair. After she woke up, I got of the bed to wear my jeans and a red t-shirt. I looked quite sad.
"Time to wake up, Sleeping Beauty..." I yawned again and
stretched my arms above my head. I rubbed my eyes and rolled
over hiding my face with the pillow.
Once I got out of bed you were standing there looking heartbroken. I didn't know what to say to you. "Well... I guess this is goodbye..."
"It is. As I promised, I won't disturb you once again after the cruise. Well, I might can't help myself from sending harmless artworks to you... But well... You are free. Please, just hug me before going... As the gentle person I used to be before that event....."
I leaned in to embrace you and felt an odd sense of freedom. I wrapped my arms around you and thought about once I walk through that door I'm free again, I'm my own person. I let go of you and reached for your arm. "I hope you do go to that psychiatrist as you said... Goodbye Leo."
I held her hand, brought it to my mouth and gently kissed it. "Goodbye July... I love you... Always will." My blue eyes were red and wet, about to shed tears.
Then I sat on my bed, waiting her to go. I wouldn't disturb her today any further.
I saw your eyes turn red with tears, but quickly reminded myself of my own tears. I had shed more tears this week than my entire life. I had struggled more this week than my entire life. I had lost sense of who I was, but now it was my turn to give no mercy, and walk out leaving you alone to pick yourself back up.
I began packing my stuff after she walked away. Frankly, I
didn't have so much items to pack, so it took quite a short
time to complete the task. Finally, I took my drawings from the
wall and placed them into the folder of my artworks.
I spent my whole time in the room, waiting for the ship to reach the destination. I didn't encounter July or Lisa again that day. ,
After setting foot on the homeland, I spent my first weeks at home, doing nothing but drawing. And watching July's life behind a computer. I never encountered her, but I also had an insane need to know how she was. Especially if she was pregnant or not.
Then I began taking psychiatric treatment for a disease I can't remember its name. I wasn't locked up to asylum (maybe because I never confessed I raped July, but just obsessed with her to want to rape her), but my lonely apartment wasn't so different from an asylum ward anyway.
I prepared my magnum opus in this phase. It was the most beautiful painting I had ever drawn. July had to see that. I had been stalking her good enough to know where she lived.
I had returned home to my normal life. Big house, nice cars,
and friends all around me.
I went out to lunch with my two best friends, Aubrey and Leslie, when I confessed something without realizing it. "I don't know why, but I've been feeling so sick these past few days... Everyday I wake up and I can't eat." Both of their eyes grew wide with worry.
"July... Are you pregnant?" I choked on my food. I couldn't be. I took those pills every time. "Of course not... I mean..." They both grabbed one of my hands. "We are going to get a test right now." I let them drag me from the restaurant. We rushed to the nearest drug store and bought 5 different tests.
We drove home in my red Mustang convertible. I sped the whole way there. We pulled into my driveway in a haste and ran through the large house to my own bathroom. "GO TAKE THEM! JULY!" I did all 5 tests and walked out. I couldn't stare at those little sticks, those little sticks that would either change my world forever or give me the sweetest relief.
I paced around the room for those 3-5 minutes. "Aubrey! You go look at them... I can't do it!" I bite on my fingernails and kept walking from wall to wall in my room. Aubrey walked into the bathroom and I heard nothing but silence.
"What do they say? WHAT DO THEY SAY DAMMIT!" I screamed to them and heard the shuffling of feet. They walked through the door with a somber expression.
"July... They all came back positive..." I fell onto the floor and cried.
"That can't be right, I took the morning after pill..." They stared at me with worry.
"July... Everything will be alright. You know you have three options..." I stared at them with red puffy eyes. How could this happen?
"Just leave me alone... I need to figure this out in my own head." Aubrey and Leslie shifted from foot to foot. They knew how stubborn I was, and how I meant what I said. I needed space.
"You better text us later to tell us you're okay, or we are coming back... with icecream? pizza?" They tried to joke around with me but I stared straight ahead like a zombie. They left my room and I heard them start their cars. I was alone in my room... trying to make the biggest decision of my life.
I had promised July I would not ever contact her again. But
also I didn't tell her what she took as birth control pills
were merely painkillers, switched by nobody but her rapist.
I couldn't see anything on her Facebook page about being pregnant, but then I realized I shouldn't expect her to publicly announce "OMG! I learned I got pregnant from my rapist, who had been blackmailing me! Someone call MTV!" in her Facebook page. I had to contact her, if I didn't want her to abort our baby.
I sent that drawing with a note to her house address. The drawing, as an A3 paper, was rolled in a cyclinder box. The note was also in the cyclinder box. The note was simple:
"If you got pregnant, please know that I can do everything to take care with our baby and monetarily help you to raise him/her. In case you deleted my phone number, here it is: .... "
And the drawing was a charcoal drawing of a family; consisted of July, a baby and me. It wasn't a groundbreaking drawing, but still the most beautiful thing I've ever drawn. July was in that black dress I had destroyed. I was wearing a shirt, upper buttons are opened to show some of my chest. We were holding a baby with smiles on our faces.
For the next few days I thought of nothing else. I had made up
"July, you got something in the mail today." I took the box to my room and opened it. There was a picture of me, Leo, and a baby. I stared at the picture for a moment, wondering whether this was a case of morning sickness or utter disgust. I read your note and my anger intensified. I had given up so much to not turn you in. I had sacrificed my pride, self-worth, and dignity.
I looked down at the number you gave. I had an idea. I called your phone and waited for you to pickup.
It was so exciting for me to see July calling me!
The sound of your voice made my stomach churn. I had to compose myself if you were going to believe me. "Hey. I received your... picture today. I'm sorry to let you down, but your little plan didn't work out. There is no baby on the way, no bun in the oven, nothing." I lied. I didn't want you anywhere near me, or my baby.
It had broken my heart.
"Ummm, okay... I just needed to make sure. I hope you are doing okay. Huh?"
I liked to hear the hurt in your voice. You didn't need to know
I was going to keep the baby... "I'm...I'm doing great
actually, but I didn't call to catch up. I don't want to hear
from you again..." I tried to sound confident and strong when I
told you this.
I knew you were stalking me obviously if you had my address... I wanted to crush your hopes and dreams about ever having a family with me. It was the only way to get rid of you once and for all.
"Hmmm, okay. But I must confess something now....", I hoped it
would keep her interested before she ended the call.
"Do you remember the birth control pills you took? Levonorgestrel... Well, what you took were not birth control pills. I had changed them with painkillers that looked alike. But anyway, it looks like I failed in my purpose to have a kid, doesn't it?"
I wanted to see her reaction. Because I wasn't completely convinced that she wasn't pregnant.
My mouth was hanging open in shock. "You. Did. What?" I put the
phone away from my ear, grabbed a pillow in my room and
screamed into it to block the noise. My blood pressure was
rising by the second, my heart beat was coming up to my throat.
I shook my head in disbelief as I brought the phone back to my
ear and spoke to you once more.
"Are you fucking crazy? NO. Don't answer that... I know your fucking crazy..." I took a deep breath trying to get control of my anger.
"Anyway... Like I said. I'm not pregnant so I want you to leave me alone."
I snickered as she stopped talking to me and I heard
incomprehensible sounds coming from her room. She was throwing
a tantrum, probably because my trick had a dramatic effect in
"But you got to admit, that was clever, isn't it?"
"Clever? How about manipulating, calculating, and deranged?!" I was squeezing my fist so tight that it turned white. He had done with this to me on purpose. He switched those pills and that's why he let me take them...
"I also admit what you say... That was not sane or noble at
all. But anyway..."
I had nothing much left to tell her at this point. And I doubt she had, too.
"Just leave me alone." I hung up on him and ripped the artwork
into a million pieces. I would never let him find out about
Months passed and my stomach grew larger. I eventually had to tell my parents, and they were not pleased at first. They couldn't believe their golden child had let them down so much as to get pregnant... They still let me live at home though even when Lisa moved out to get her own place.
I went to my doctors checkups alone. Saw my baby's sonogram for the first time alone. I chose to keep my baby's sex a secret until delivery. I was fixed on raising this child alone, by myself, and I knew I would be just fine. I was always very independent, level-headed, and had a mother's patience.
My psychiatrists had forbidden me from stalking July. Let alone
contacting her! But I didn't comply with that part of my
treatment, as you might see.
It was obvious that July was pregnant. Not only because she had been seeing a gynecologist, but also because of her growing belly. I was waiting for her at the door of the building that she was seeing her doctor. It would be a terrible experience for her to encounter me once again, but she wrote nothing about her baby in internet, so the only thing I could learn our baby's gender was... asking her.
I was wearing a black coat and gray trousers that day I approached July once again. I hadn't been so close to her since the cruise, my heart was pumping out fast when I saw her exiting the building alone, without noticing me waiting beside the wall.
"July... Do not panic please...", I walked to her from behind.
I was walking to my car when I heard your voice for the first
time in months. I thought perhaps it was just in my mind, until
I turned around to see you there. I looked from you to my 6
month pregnant belly...
"Come any closer I swear on my life I will call the cops..."
"Okay... I won't come closer...", I raised my hands upwards.
But somehow, I knew I could actually attempt to come closer,
due to a lack of control. I wasn't still a sane man.
"What is our baby's gender?"
My arms went down to my belly as if to protect it from your
view. "Not our. This is my baby." I didn't answer your question
because I didn't owe you any answers, even if I didn't know
them myself. I turned my back to you and had my keys in hand.
"Get away from me or I will call the cops. I'm not kidding around, Leo."
I took two steps backwards.
"Okay. I will be going. But don't forget, this is our baby. You were the one who didn't want one, but I was the one who needed to replace the pills. Don't you remember? I will always have a responsibility over our baby. I will always love him or her unconditionally. Just like how I love you."
I waved my hand to dismiss your comments and got into my car to
drive home. I looked around the parking lot to see where you
went... I pulled away and started driving home.
"What a freak..." I shook my head with disgust as I drove home, holding my belly with one hand and steering with the other.
I rubbed my belly and talked to it. "Don't worry... I won't let anyone hurt you. Especially someone who hurt me so much." I started crying as I pulled into my driveway.
I decided not to show myself to July once again... for a few
months. Our next encounter will be months after she gave birth
to our kid.
During this months, I continued working as a bartender in an expensive, first class bar. I had been earning good, but spending so less in my little apartment no-better-than-ward. It didn't prevent me from taking psychiatric treatment, as my shift began afternoon and my dates with doctors were in the morning. I met a few nice ladies during this time, but I couldn't manage erasing my obsession for July and our baby.