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Personal Norms and Freaky Sex - musings of self discovery

Essay By: ibwldflwr

an opinion and exploration piece regarding 'freaky' sex, boundaries and social norms.

Submitted:Feb 7, 2011    Reads: 1,150    Comments: 1    Likes: 0   

Personal Norm and Freaky Sex - musings of self discovery
By all accounts and purposes I had long considered myself a sexual "freak". What I had learned over more than 25 years of sexual activity is that 'freak' meant different things to different people. In its basest form 'freak' means that you stray from having missionary or what someone recently called 'vanilla sex'. Now I am a lover of chocolate myself, not particularly attracted to vanilla in any form, including my men but will muse about that on another occasion. Right now I want to discuss out loud, tease out and flush out how freaky is freaky, is freaky deviant, is deviant freaky, and who has the knowledge power and privilege to define our sexual experiences as any of those. Is there sanctity about what we do with out bodies; is there an inner sanctum that even we should not violate? Please don't misinterpret my use or misuse of the word sanctity and sanctum; I am in no way referring to saintliness or religious definitions or uses of the terms. I use them as a reference to how we hold ourselves sacred and have inner places that are protected, untouchable and possibly not pliable. I won't discuss legal barriers here regarding prostitution - this is not about whether we are legally required or not to fuck, but about the inner peace each of us craves as we explore our sexual boundaries.
When I talk about straying from 'vanilla sex' I am not referring to fetishes - they are in a class of their own. I can honestly say that I don't understand most fetishes. The one I understand the best is a fetish or compulsion to perform oral sex on a female - probably because I myself have an obsession with being served on a platter day after day after day, all day long. Moreover, I can suck cock 24/7 and swallowing a load is a gift from the gods. Another topic for another day……
For so long I had considered myself sexually open, freaky, willing to try most anything that did not include pain - like a huge hard cock trying to penetrate your sphincter muscle. I am not judging anyone - if you like it up the ass more power to you. I am just trying to figure out where my desire for experimentation ends who programmed me this way and have I become a sexual prude. The latter being a fate worse than death.
We can all research the concepts, theories and definitions of sexual identity, gender and preferences….but how do we triangulate that information with our actions and experiences to reach a place where we can still love ourselves….and if we cannot how can we reciprocate and meet the needs of potential/existing partners.
I must present this in the context of a recent personal experience to accurately include all the necessary details for my audience to opine and comment. Yes, I want feedback because I have not yet decided if I am sexually dysfunctional and I appreciate the opinion of others who have either surpassed and conquered these demons or can recommend ways to find that ever alluding inner peace. Not happiness, riches, health or a long life - I only seek inner peace, something that escapes me quite frequently in my day-to-day but which I never thought would elude me regarding sexual experiences and my sexuality.
I define myself as a heterosexual female with some latent lesbian tendencies. What the hell does that mean??? I like to fuck men/be fucked vaginally by men. I have no interest in eating pussy but get turned on mostly by lesbian or "girl on girl" porn. I have never experimented, but I know that when push comes to shove not matter how much tongue, sucking and lickbiting my pussy has gotten I want to be penetrated deep and hard. Not by a rigid latex/rubber/silicone toy - I have those. I want a 6-7 inch dick that is at least 1.5 inches in circumference, preferably 2-2.5 in circumference. How crucial is it anyway that we label ourselves? I am a very sexual being and enjoy penile penetration while I watch women eating each other out.
A few months ago I met a being with a penis -- I can call him a man for now, but am undecided about whether that might change over the course of this writing (I will try to refrain from using labels or definitions imposed on us by society, but at times it's so difficult to be politically correct or purposely ambiguous). Anyway we met as the result of my response to his personal ad on a non-reputable dating site. I must premise this by clarifying that in my own words I am unconventional and non-traditional regarding dating and sexual practices. I have no use for the opinions of others regarding my sexual practices, whether I fuck or not, whether I fuck casually - please don't comment with that type of bullshit. I was raised Catholic and if the Anti-Christ leading that church is truly the representative of a higher power who will judge us I will be happy to burn in the depths of hell with all my guilt than to acquiesce to the most offensive and despised form of organized religion I have ever encountered. Whew - I feel so much better after saying that. I am writing this piece of exploration to attempt to resolve the reproach and judgment I pass on myself, I don't need to forgive myself I just need to let go of those demons and voices that keep telling me I am being bad, things I am doing with my penis owning friend are bad, and that someone is looking down on me saying "tsk, tsk, tsk". I thought I was free but have recently discovered that I am the only one keeping myself caged, repressed and closed to experiences that could enrich my life, the love and acceptance that I feel for my fellow beings and change the phenomenology of 'freaky' that I have carried around for years.
As of last year I have no qualms about meeting people on dating sites. I resumed dating after 3-4 dormant years and discovered that I couldn't go fuck at clubs anymore. For most of my sexually active life I have enjoyed fuck buddies or at least one (if you don't know what that is you can read my piece on fuck buddies) and I don't like emotional attachments. I have no problem getting on a cock, giving instructions that will help me come repeatedly and hard, then getting off and leaving only a whispered thank you in my subtle departure. There have been times in my life when I have needed more - wanted more, like love, commitment, marriage, compromise (oops never that one) and a child. Been there done that, other than the child everything else is extremely overrated.
So I met this guy online, I responded to his ad for a sub. I do not have any BDSM experience but am fairly educated. I knew sub meant submissive and although I am the least submissive person I know I felt that it was the right time for me to explore other dimensions of my sexuality that until now had been untapped. I was very honest with this man as I thought he was with me. Now this is not about lying or cheating or deception. I say I thought he was with me because although he has been honest his layers have shed little by little. So I am discovering things about him now that I would have liked to know in the beginning. I think informed decisions are the best ones, and although relationships develop over time and disclosures are made when certain levels of comfort are obtained, it seems to me that certain aspects of one's sexuality require full disclosure when entering into a relationship with 'no strings attached' and entirely based on sex. Legally in some states one must disclose any type of infectious sexually transmittable disease. That was easy for us - he disclosed first and luckily (how freakish to think of it as lucky) I had the same condition……..it won't kill you but it's like that pink battery bunny it keeps giving and giving and giving. That was huge and a large component of our bonding and subsequent enmeshing. To me those are logistics - laws the law, nobody wants to get fucking sued because you forgot to tell someone you have HIV, HPV, syph, herpes etc.
He was also very honest about wanting to explore the limits of BDSM and his desire for someone who could successfully switch. I agreed to everything, ignorantly moving forward without really thinking or informing myself of what this all entailed. My thought was: "Sex is sex, how different can it be. Licking, biting sucking, a little ass slapping, some hair pulling, lots of vocals and to top it all off a stiff big cock to ride." I wanted the sex, was thrilled to have met someone compatible and blinded by my libido. My bad!!!! I failed to inform myself so that I could make relevant unambiguous questions that would elucidate many of the challenges I would face in the next few months.
Well over time and during periods of dubious sobriety or drunkenness I discovered rather accidentally, without warning and very impromptu that my lover/fuck buddy has a very strong femme side. A femme side that he cannot repress any longer, that I would not ask him to repress and that I would like to indulge and satisfy because it is an inherent and important part of who he is. Therein lays my problem…..my dilemma, my inability to triangulate my personal sexual norms, my sexual freedoms and my desires to face that femme side full on. In fact that femme side terrifies me, scares me to the point where I get sick to my stomach. I'm not sure if a man being femme but not homosexual am a fetish or a hang up, but it definitely is freaky to me. But wait I am freaky, I am so open-minded and free that Woodstock would not have been able to contain me. I am as chill and relaxed as Dali's melting watches. Well that's what I had believed for over 40 years, and know I was experiencing feelings of fear, ignominy, guilt and shame. Worse yet I was also feeling repressed, judgmental, narrow-minded but moreover I was no longer free. Every act was saturated with debasement, humiliation, distaste and degradation.


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