“Oh, baby,” moaned Mrs. Claus, “you’re getting me sooo good tonight.”
“Thanks, honey.” Santa was breathing hard. “I’m doing my best.”
“I can tell. And you feel like you grew two sizes!”
“I don’t think I did, but thanks anyways. You really have me going—I could drive nails with this son of a bitch tonight!”
“You just hold my legs up, and keep doing what you’re doing. Oh God! It feels like you got bigger.”
“I thought you just got tighter.” Santa reached down and wrapped his thumb and forefinger around the base of his burrowing shaft. “Holy shit! I am getting bigger!”
“Oh, baby! Are you all right, Kris? Maybe it’s something you ate. Do you want to stop?”
“Fuck no! You just keep your ass right where it is.”
“Okay. Oh, God! You just got bigger again!”
“Are you sure you’re okay, honey? I don’t want to hurt …”
“Ohhhhh Godddd! Shut up and fu… Ohhhhh Godddd!”
“Shutting up and fucking, honey … shutting up and fucking.”
“Good boy, Kris! Ohhhhh Godddd! Goood boy!”
“Whoa! Holy shit!” Santa felt down between their legs again. “Fuck! It’s as big around as a baseball bat! My hand doesn’t even reach around it!”
“Are you okay, Kris? Whats’ going on … Ohhhhh Godddd! It feels so good, but … oh fuck! You have to get that out of me! Kris! You’re going to split me in half!”
“Okay … I … uh … wait a minute … holy shit! What the … I can’t stop fucking!”
“What? You always say that! Oh Kris! You … your cock is getting HOT!”
“It is! Ahhh! I can feel it too! I don’t know why, but I can’t pull it …”
“OUT! KRIS! Get that thing out of me! You’re going to split me right up the …”
“Oh Jess! I feel that feeling coming on …”
“KRIS! TAKE IT OUT! It’s burning hot! I can’t take it—I’m going to BURST!”
“Oh, baby!” Santa said. “I’M GOING TO BLOWWWW!!!”
The mushroom cloud erupted high into the air, as Santa, Mrs. Claus, and the whole damn State of Hawaii were vaporized in a flash of atomic passion.
“Whoa!” Santa woke suddenly, and bolted upright. “What the … did my dick explode?” He lifted the sheet, and breathed a sigh of relief. “Goddamn … that was a fucking dream?” He looked down at his side, and saw his wife snoring peacefully into her pillow. “Where the hell does a dream like that come from?” He shook his head. “I don’t even want to know.”
Drenched in sweat, his heart still pounding, Santa stole off for the bathroom. He peeked back at his wife, just to make sure she was still there, and pinched himself, to make sure he was really there.
A piss, a face washing, and a cool drink of water later, Santa settled back into bed, and waited for sleep to come. He noted the clock on the table next to the bed showed 1:03 AM, and closed his eyes.
He fought for what seemed like an eternity to get back to sleep, but thanks to the ceaseless noise of his own wheels turning, he never made it under.
The clock displayed 1:04 AM when next he opened his eyes.
“Oh, you’re going to play it that way, are you?” He sat back up, got out of bed, and started feeling around in the dark for the clothes he’d cast off before rocking and rolling with the Mrs. at bedtime.
Except for the wedgie he got for mistaking his wife’s thong for his own boxer shorts, he was able to get himself dressed in the dark with nary a hitch. “I don’t know how Jess wears those things,” he said, “but at least I won’t have to floss my ass-crack again anytime soon.”
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