Dear Ladies, 4/2/13
Tonight hubby's 85 year old mother passed away after a few months of steadily declining in health. First her body began to fail her with constant falling. Next her vividly sharp mind slipped away while family members did their best to speak with her. She outlived her husband by 24 years. She is now meeting God in heaven as I write to you. She is survived by 4 kids, 2 granddaughters, and 1 grandson. While her future on earth has ended and will soon be finalized by a burial service my life must clearly go on until it is my turn to die.
The last time I spoke to you I spent the entire column complaining about everything. It turns out that I am quite a selfish person who needed to be put in my place. I have been told in the past by my friend Tiffany that I think the world revolves solely around me. Although we still live a short distance from each other she never returns my calls or invited me to her mother's 70ith birthday party last week. Other friends all women have systematically cut me out of their lives too. Sure they remain on my Facebook page and have even invited me to a wedding but, that is all. They ceased returning my calls and are always busy when I do reach them.
A couple of days ago I received some news about my health that I am unwilling to divulge at this time. However, it has me thinking that I do not value the people in my life nearly enough. I have self-centered ways that cause harm to other people's feelings. Unfortunately I am too narrow minded to recognize my family and friends needs and soon the relationship fades away. Hubby has stated for years that I am like a Teflon pan and none of my bad qualities stick to me. Then he always says that I have a way of spinning everything that happens that I do not like back onto him.
Until recently I would have argued that hubby has been the result of everything wrong in our marriage. Then the strangest thing happened and Mystery Man has forced me to take a look at the way I treat my families' wellbeing. I have not heard from his today and probably will not get another message until I work out my own issues. Tonight I had the perfect opportunity to reflect on my faults while I waited in a packed court room to rebut a red light camera speeding ticket. While I sat there once more self-indulging in how to fast talk my way out of it I noticed a man with his leg sticking far out into the aisle. He began rubbing his upper thigh and appeared as though he was in severe pain.
As the night drone on while waiting my turn I began to pray. I do not understand how to talk to God or listen to his answers therefore I just pray to him. Finally the man with the sore leg was called for his trial. I watched as he struggled to walk and saw he had a leg prosthesis on his right side and was missing his left arm. I was entranced as I recalled Mystery Man's words "it could always be worse." When I read his statement I just blithely ignored it like I do when everyone else tells me the same thing. Then seeing this man stretching his fake leg out way to the side just to walk showed me instantly that my problem was measly in comparison to his daily challenges.
When I returned home I came downstairs and was unable to access my messages or compose new ones. Although for the first time ever instead of thinking of poor me I began thinking that maybe I truly need to change my attitude. This is something I have teased with and encourage each of you to do yet, somehow I am unable to make it work in my own life. I am beginning to see why my friend's systematically drop me instead of wanting to stay my friend for life. I must make sincere progress or risk being old and very alone. Even my own daughter who is 18 has threatened to move out and not speak to me again if I am mean to her again. My son who will be 15 years old soon has paid very little attention to me in the past few years.
Where do I begin to piece back a healthy lifestyle that will be suitable for family and friends? Is it too late to focus on mending the fences of former friends? Has God been shouting for me to recreate myself and I just am unable to follow his directions? Is hubby's love unconditional forever or will he too fade into my past? Was Mystery Man put into my life for a reason to help me grow? If yes, will Mystery Man exit my life as quickly as he came into it? Will I finally graduate and get my masters that I need to get my career into high gear? Will the endless questions ever stop pouring into my brain?
The answers to these and many more hindering topics is simply I do not know. I am pushing the age of 50 in less than 3 years and have so much to change. I have heard this debated in conversations before. Some people firmly believe that once a person reaches adulthood their personality is set in stone. While other people claim that the more a person ages they make shifts in attitudes that can enhance all areas of their life. What I have for sure is many regrets. I knew my mother-in-law was ill and only brought my family to visit when she was in the hospital and last week on our way home from California. My well-intended plans of seeing often will now consist of a final goodbye. I am ashamed of my greedy and needy ways. Hopefully this time I can once and for all start fresh instead of just saying I will do well and then repeat my same old patterns. Life is truly getting away from me as the people I care for vanish from it.
Heartfelt Sincerity, Rose